Helping the Children of Divorce

    Serge Mallat’s hopes for a happy marriage and home life seemed sealed when he and his wife had two girls. But when his girls were 7 and 5, Mallat and his wife separated. A year later, they were divorced.  An estimated 50 percent of couples divorce each year in the United States. The hurt, anger and loss are difficult enough for adults to handle, but when children are involved, divorce and the issues that come with it become more complex, counseling and child psychiatry experts say.      

A divorce can mean a loss of stability. Children’s lives can become a series of pick-ups and drop-offs between mom’s and dad’s house. Once well-behaved children may become withdrawn or act out after seeing their parents fight over them. And even in amicable divorces, the children still may feel that they're the cause of the breakup. 

“Divorce is always difficult,” says Dr. William Bernet, a child psychiatrist and director of forensic services at Vanderbilt University's medical school in Nashville, Tenn. “You almost always lose contact with your parent because you don't see them as often. You lose the sense of security that you previously had.”


STAYING CIVIL FOR THE KIDS

Most children can get through the experience, if the parents are civil and adult about the divorce, says Bernet, co-author of the book “Children of Divorce: A Practical Guide for Parents, Therapists, Attorneys and Judges.” That starts at the beginning of the divorce process, he says.      

Both parents should be present when they tell their children that they’re divorcing and down play the importance of the separation, especially with children who are 5 or 6 years old or younger, he says. “You don't have to tell a young child that this is the most horrible thing that’s happened,” Bernet says. “You can try to protect the child from the bad feelings that are floating around.”      

He says the explanation can be as simple as telling the children that mommy and daddy are changing the way they live, and they get to stay in two places now. If the children are older, make the announcement about the divorce together and let the news sink in, Bernet says, because kids don't necessarily ask the “why” questions at first.      

But eventually, they’ll want to know why mom and dad are divorcing. Be prepared to answer such questions with age-appropriate responses and without getting into specifics about why the marriage has failed. After all, the reasons for the divorce are a private matter between the spouses: The children don’t need to know that the parents stopped loving each other or that dad or mom had an affair.      

And no matter the children’s ages, parents need to let their kids know that the divorce isn’t their fault, Bernet and other experts say. Mallat and his ex-wife were able to help their girls - now 8 and 10 -- overcome such thoughts by showing them enormous amounts of love and attention, he says. “A big thing during divorce is abandonment issues,” Mallat says. He makes sure his girls know that he’s there for them, he says. He volunteers at their schools, coaches their soccer teams and comes to their school events. “I have seen so many fathers just leave and that really hurts the kids.”