Helping Children Cope with Divorce

2. Contact with dad . 
If children are separated from their father after a divorce, it is not the frequency of contact that will help them cope with emotional difficulties but the quality of contact. A father needs to remember that he is not a friend, an uncle, or an older brother. Parental responsibilities such as moral education, errand-running and cooking do not end or transfer to mom after a divorce. Children who have a father with great parenting skills will be better adjusted emotionally, socially, and academically. Clinical psychologist Dr. Debbie Glasser shines a light on the future when she says that “an important thing is that kids by watching their fathers learn what fathers can be like. They can learn how to be a father or how to choose a future father for their children.”  

3. Coparental cooperation. 
Children should not see their parents fighting. Studies show that when bad blood between parents continues to boil, children absorb some of the steam. If parents can hold a civil relationship, their next step is to establish a cooperative strategy in raising the children. Parents need to agree on rules in both households and work with each other’s schedules to accommodate their children’s needs. Jenn Hollowell, a mom from Richmond, Maine, and her ex-husband agreed that “mirroring households” would be best for their children because “their stability, comfort, and sense of security are what are important.”  

Parents are encouraged to continue a positive relationship with their children by sharing details of each other’s life. However anything related to the divorce should be avoided, as children worry about their parents. “They both played the game where they sort of used us kids,” says April Enders, an Administrative Assistant for the FAA. “It made it hard, and I know it put my younger siblings in the middle.” The National Association of Social Workers warns that exposing children to negative comments or using them as messengers between fighting ex-spouses will “create lifelong relationship issues for all involved.” 

3. Social support.  
Friends, neighbors, relatives, adult mentors, schools, and sports associations can be almost as important as good parental care. Parents might also consider professional help such as individual therapy and school programs.  

4. Keep the balance.  
So is there one big thing parents can do for children experiencing divorce? No. Coping techniques work in a balance and it is important to watch how one aspect of post-divorce life might affect another. It is a myth that children of divorce will inevitably be damaged in some way. They will be changed, yes, but only as far as any experience will change a person. With effort and commitment, parents can successfully help their children through a challenging time.