Book Review: Parent Survival Kit, Divorce Edition

    After seeing hundreds of children each year as part of her practice as a licensed clinical social worker, Natasha Hill decided to do something to help them -- and their parents -- deal with the hurt, anger and sadness they were feeling as their parents made the difficult decision to split up. "I thought it would be helpful if parents had a workbook that they could do with their children on their own," she said.

So Hill put together one that uses exercises to help the families of youngsters, ages 4 to 12, as they move through this painful time. "Most children share some similar concerns and misconceptions around their parents divorce," she said. "Often parents will bring their children to me one or two years after the divorce. Many times, these children are already angry, confused and are starting to exhibit outward signs of emotional distress."
 
Said Hill: "I felt that if parents could be proactive with their children -- and explore and process their feelings while going through the divorce -- they would greatly minimize or all together avoid any emotional fallout in the years following the divorce." The 56-page book, "The Parent Survival Kit: Divorce Edition," is available for $21.95 at amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com.

Divorce360.com asked Hill to share some of her thoughts about how to help divorcing parents help their children through the divorce.


Divorce360.com: How do you make a child feel comfortable talking about divorce?
A: Children often seem worried about how the parent is going to feel about what they have to say. The best way to encourage communication is to be non-emotional and judgmental when your child is talking to you. At times, children do not want to upset their parents and will start to shut down if they see their parent crumbling when they are talking. Let your child come to you. Set aside special one on one time that facilitates quiet, open communication. If your child doesn't want to talk about the divorce - give them space and time.

Divorce360.com: What three tips can you offer for parents who are getting divorced?
A: Here are some tips to help.

1. Do not forget about your children.
They are going through as much -- if not more -- grieving. Just because your child "looks o.k." doesn't mean they don't have emotional turmoil inside.

2. Set aside time each week to spend one on one time with your child during the divorce process.
If you have more than one child - spend time with each child separately. Sometimes siblings can shut down open communication with each other. Children need a quiet time to have the opportunity to ask you those hard questions - they might not otherwise get the courage to ask. 

3. Do not "bad talk" the other parent.
The children that remain the most emotionally healthy after a divorce are those children who are not exposed to the "he said" "she said" of divorce. If you have young children you can give your ex-spouse a code name when talking to friends and relatives, so you minimize the exposure of talk they are hearing. Every child I have ever talked to knew much more than either parent ever thought. Children listen -- so if you are in hearing range -- they are listening!

Divorce360.com: The book has a number of exercises for children and parents. How does this help families dealing with divorce?
A: Unfortunately, all to often parents forget to fully explore their children's feelings while going through the divorce process. Parents are overwhelmed emotionally and often financially. Children may be angry and hostile - or shutdown and refuse to talk. This workbook is designed to help the parent understand what avenues to explore with their child and it helps the child express their feelings in a safe, whimsical way. If parents had more of a window into their child's perceptions of the divorce, they would be better skilled at helping the child work through those feelings and perceptions from the very beginning and would less likely have to deal with ongoing emotional distress in the future.

Divorce360.com: What's the toughest part for children whose parents are getting  divorced? 
A: Children experience and struggle with divorce in many different ways. Some of the toughest parts of divorce for children typically involve the concrete issues -- like going back and forth and having two separate lives (two rooms, two wardrobes, two sets of rules etc.). Also, children struggle with the "loyalty" tug of war they unfortunately find themselves in. Children struggle with negative talk from one parent about the other.       
 
Divorce360.com: What should parents consider when shuttling kids from house to house?
A: This area -- is truly where parents can make or break their child's well being. The easier parents can make the experience of going back and forth -- the better. It is helpful that parents do not use their children to communicate messages back and forth. Even the most innocent of messages -- places the child in the middle. If a child leaves clothes or an expensive toy at the other parent's house -- take it up with the parent -- not with the child. Developing a predictable pattern and routine can help alleviate the confusion of going back and forth. Parents can help their children by having a predictable schedule and custody arrangement - so there is no guess work for the child on where they are sleeping and for how long. To circumvent many years of future drama and guilt - avoid allowing the child to decide when to stay and when to go from one parent's house to another. Even though the parent might think they are empowering the child - this places a tremendous amount of pressure on the child and on their relationship with each parent.

Divorce360.com: You call it the "Parent Survival Guide, Divorce Edition." Why survival guide?
A: Going through the divorce process can often feel like just survival for many families. Often parents will tell me things like, "I just want to survive through this". I wanted to throw parents a life preserver during their divorce process to keep their children afloat while life makes its adjustments.

Divorce360.com: (If you had one) What's your own divorce experience? What did you learn from it?
A: I wrote this book, as I myself was going through a divorce. I have a young child and watched her go through much of what I wrote about in my workbook. My own experience gave me the empathy and compassion for parents who are trying to do the right thing for their children, but are trying to pick up their own pieces to create anew.  I realize that as a divorced parent, all I can control is my own parenting and my own relationship with my child. I have no control over the other parent or how he may influence my child. It gave me the passion and resiliency to make sure I gave her all the tools I possibly could offer her to get through the divorce emotionally grounded and secure. My efforts to nurture and grow those skills will continue until she herself is in an emotionally healthy and happy relationship as an adult. I wanted to offer parents my knowledge - both personally and professionally - so they too- can help their children and offer them tools to grow.

Divorce360.com: What do kids really expect to be different after divorce?
A: Many kids I talk with believe their whole world is over. Often children don't realize how much will actually stay the same. To better ground and stabilize children, I will often go over the many things that they are not losing through the divorce (e.g. friends, relatives, school, pets).

Divorce360.com: How should a parent use this book? It seems like it could take some time to go through.
A: This workbook was not designed to rush straight through. Each exercise outlines the purpose and gives clear directions on how to use the exercise. Parents can skip around and find various exercises that seem to fit their child's needs at that particular time. Children's emotional responses vary as time progresses and some exercises may be appropriate early or later in the divorce process.

Divorce360.com: What can you do if a child feels responsible for divorce?
A: Ironically almost all the children I have seen- felt somewhat if not completely responsible for the divorce. Developmentally children are naturally self consumed and tend to see the world from mainly their perspective. It is helpful if parents let their child know that in no uncertain terms -- did the child have anything to do with the divorce. Even if parents don't feel their child has this perception - it cannot hurt to reiterate this message to them.

Divorce360.com: What s the toughest part about divorce for a child?
A: Children experience and struggle with divorce in many different ways. Some of the toughest parts of divorce for children typically involve the concrete issues -- like going back and forth and having two separate lives (two rooms, two wardrobes, two sets of rules etc.). Also, children struggle with the "loyalty" tug of war they unfortunately find themselves in. Children struggle with negative talk from one parent about the other.     

Divorce360.com: What's the significance of the zoo analogy in your book?
A: Some children have a hard time expressing their feelings openly. The zoo analogy helps children label and identify family traits and personal emotions while staying one step removed from it. Analogies are a wonderful way to help young children express their feelings more openly - while their feelings are tucked safely in an analogy of an animal. This also helps parents gain insight into how the child views them and themselves during the divorce process from a different perspective.

Divorce360.com: What's a "Weekly Feelings Check," and how does it work?
A: Often parents will get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of the divorce aftermath that they forget to continually check in on their children's emotional well being. Having one or two "divorce" talks during the process -- does not give us a good read on how our child continues to do. As our feelings change through the divorce process - so does our children's. A "weekly feelings check" is a quick exercise that gets parents to sit down with their child and take a quick temperature gage on their child's well being. It let's your child  know that you care and that you recognize that they are having feelings through this process as well. It gives them an opportunity to  air any issues out and to not bury their feelings -- to explode at a later date.


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