Hate Ex, But Have Kids. Now What?

    Your ex may have been wonderful in the marriage, non-argumentative or sweet and caring. But don’t be shocked when those qualities you admired in them turn to anger, passive-aggressive or just plain mean and uncaring. Divorce has a way of turning the best in us to the worst. Buttons get pushed, fears arise, people are afraid they won’t get what they want or like what they get. Here are some tips to help if you have joint custody with an ex-spouse who turns difficult.

1. Get suppport.
Some of us are lucky and we separate or divorce as friends, working things out with the children in mind or deciding your friendship is important to keep after a marriage ends. It’s important to go into divorce with your eyes open and not expecting things to be as good as they were in the marriage….keep an emotional insurance policy by speaking to a therapist or friend to help you stay centered.

2. Remember who you are dealing with.
Sometimes fantasies kick in and we find ourselves hoping the other person will change once the circumstances do. People usually don’t change. They can alter their personalities, but if you married a scoundrel chances are they will be one after divorce. Your best bet is to keep a journal to remind you who you are, what you need and the qualities your ex has that may prevent you from reaching your goals in dealing with them. 

3. Get real and keep clear.
Wishing and hoping is nice in certain situations, but not divorce with someone unreasonable. Keep the kids first in mind If there are children to consider, keep them first. Write down what they need, what you need, and ways you feel you can achieve those goals. Treat it like a business plan and try to take the emotionality out of it.  When you keep your kids in mind, it can hopefully keep the caring lines open and cause less reverberation of the anger and pains the divorce can cause a family. Never assume

Just remember you cannot second guess or assume how someone might react to you or your requests. It’s best to be as considerate as you can but remain firm when stating your mind. Too many people say what they feel the other person wants to hear, but don’t follow through. Keep things documented when dealing with a unreasonable ex-spouse and never assume anything.

Jodi Seidler is the founder of the single parent site MakingLemonade.com and the author of "55 Things Every Divorcing Mom Should Know!" Her advice has also made it to TV talk shows, such as: "Inside Edition"and "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus." Her e-mail is jodi@makinglemonade.com.