Stepfamily Talk: Child Support Hurts Marriage

1. Adoption will stop child support. 
2. If something happens to their mother, the kids won’t have to come live here.   

How do I hold my marriage together while still maintaining my responsibilities? Child support is over in about six years. I don’t want to be unhappy for that long.          

John 


Dear John,

Your new wife seems to be asking you to choose between her and your children. This is an unreasonable request. I hope you are not considering for one minute letting the stepdad adopt them. Your kids will likely feel abandoned by you. I suggest you ask your wife to visit a psychologist, minister or counselor with you to discuss why she’s so intent on getting your kids out of your life. She knew when she married you that you had kids and had to pay child support. She needs to accept this situation and make the best of it — not try to re-make it! If you follow her advice, you’ll likely be unhappy for a different reason: Your kids will be angry with you.

Stepfamilies are a real balancing act. It’s difficult to balance the needs of the kids with the stepparents’ needs. Your wife should try to understand this. I suggest she do some reading about being a stepmother. She might start with this article:http://www.stepfamilyadvice.com/stepmom_success.htm www.stepfamilyadvice.com/stepmom_success.htm. She might also visit  http://www.stepfamilytalkradio.com/ www.stepfamilytalkradio.com and listen to the Stepfamily Survival podcast series. I hope she pays particular attention to Patricia Papernow’s interview. She gives stepmoms tips about how to talk about difficult subjects with their husbands. 

I’m sorry to hear you’re in this situation. I hope you’re seeing your children as much as possible, in spite of your wife’s feelings. Remember, you don’t have to do everything with your wife. If she doesn’t like your kids, you can at least spend some time with your kids without her.

Lisa


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Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets.