Stepfamily Talk: Stepmom Pays Support

Dear Angry Stepmom:         

Many stepmoms complain that they take on too much responsibility in their stepfamilies. They often do this because as women, they feel responsible for creating a big, happy family. I'm sure this was partly what motivated you. Often, the woman is paying for their current life, and her husband is paying for his former life, says Jeanette Lofas, a certified social worker and president of the Stepfamily Foundation Inc., N.Y., which provides advice and resources to stepfamilies. 
        
When a stepmom feels this way, she needs to find ways to start anew with her husband, says Lofas. Couples trying to start over may need to sign agreements requiring the husband to re-pay his wife for helping with child support payments. Or they could sign contracts providing some kind of compensation to the wife for caring for her stepchildren, she says.                
        
Lofas also notes that people in stepfamilies should not throw all their money and belongings into one “pot.” In fact, many experts recommend that stepfamilies establish “his,” “hers” and “ours” pots of money. You need to begin by having a difficult conversation with your husband. Tell him you feel resentful and you want to find a way to start over. You might enlist the aid of a third-party counselor or psychologist to talk about this issue.
        
It is okay to tell your husband you'd like to be repaid for child support payments. Don't let that resentment boil inside you. Be sure to express your feelings and try to start over in some way. Good Luck!

Lisa           


Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets.