Is Your Spouse Talking To An Old Flame?

Goulston's advice if you're married and want to avoid the problem before it starts: "Set up ground rules ahead of time for talking about and through those times when any of those foundations starts to be shaky. You can do this by asking the other person, 'Since disappointment and let down and hurt are inevitable in a relationship, what's the best way to approach you when I am feeling one of those that just won't go away on its own?' " 

And if you're already attracted to a high school honey you reconnected with on Facebook, Tessina thinks honesty is the best policy. "By openly discussing the attraction without fighting and alienating one another, you and your spouse build trust and acknowledge that these things do happen and when they do, you'll deal with it because you are together for the long haul. If it's an old high school sweetheart, it may be that you and your spouse would decide it would be better for you not go out to lunch or coffee alone. If you both make it clear you're married, get together only with  each others' family members, you can build a friendship and overcome the attraction," Tessina said.

GUIDELINES FOR BUILDING TRUST

1. Remember fear breaks down trust.  
Don't frighten your partner (or yourself) by testing too hard, risking too much, or demanding the impossible. If you begin to feel frightened, talk about it.  If you want to be told what is going on, don't make it too hard for your partner to be honest by making threats or reacting hysterically, or with rage.

2. Keep each other informed.
Lying or sneaking does even more damage than breaking contracts. If you slipup, tell the truth. If your partner errs, be open to hearing it without flying off the handle, and negotiate a solution to the problem, using the problem solving steps in the first section of this chapter. If your partner keeps messing up, and shows no sign of change, or if you can't keep your bargains, couple counseling is crucial.

3. Learn to make clear contracts and renegotiate them before you break them.
Give it time. Patience and communication are your best allies. As you learn that you both make mistakes, and no one's being deliberately hurtful, trust builds. As it does, you can begin to relax the rules, and allow yourselves more spontaneity.

(from "Money, Sex and Kids" by Tina B. Tessina, Adams Media)

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