Faith Therapy: Stay or Go after Affair

Q: I discovered soon into my year-old marriage that my husband was having an affair. He had also cheated on me once when we were dating.  I have also caught him in several lies about his level of ongoing contact with his former mistress and other matters such as his finances. Incidentally, he also has viewed pornography daily for the past decade. He’s basically a good guy who means well but he wants to present this “nice guy” image to everybody but me. His habit of lying seems to be deeply rooted in him. Am I being stupid to continue in this marriage?

A: Hmm. I question your definition of a “good guy” and wonder what else you saw during the courtship that perhaps you ignored in favor of seeing only what you wanted to see in him. He has character flaws that are screaming “I can’t be trusted” and “I avoid the truth at all costs.” While I don’t think anyone is stupid for wanting to persevere in marriage, I do advise that you proceed with caution while pursuing couple’s therapy and setting up new rules of accountability regarding his whereabouts, his money management, and his porn addiction. 

The common thread throughout all of these issues is his inability to face the life he actually lives in favor of chasing fantasies. I suggest you establish some boundaries immediately that hold him accountable to a higher standard of commitment to you and draw your line in the sand relative to what you will and will not tolerate. Be prepared to separate from the marriage as a consequence for his continued misbehavior. I refer you to read two books by Stephen Arterburn for more specific guidance: "Every Man’s Battle" (also authored by Fred Stoeker) and "The Secrets Men Keep."