When 44-year-old Rajini Narayan found out her husband, Satish, was having an affair, she, like many betrayed spouses felt a range of emotion from betrayal to fury. She opened up to neighbors telling them, 'my husband loves another woman, he hugs her.” But instead of confronting or divorcing him, she waited until her engineer husband went to sleep and saturated his genital region with his genital region with methylated spirit and lit a match.
Narayan reportedly told neighbors, 'I'm a jealous wife, his penis should belong to me, I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else…it's just his penis I wanted to burn, I didn't mean this to happen."
Whether it’s a financial, emotional or physical betrayal, finding out that your spouse has been dishonest can be devastating. While most men and women have the good common sense not to take the law into their own hands or act on urges that will likely land them in jail, the fact is, keeping your head on straight in an emotional chaotic time is harder than most people realize.
Here are four tips to keeping things under control.
1. Take a Break: Ask a trusted friend or family member if you can stay in a spare room, rent a hotel room or simply go and sit in a coffee shop for a few hours. Taking a “time out” may not heal the hurt but it will allow you the time and space to move through the initial moments of shock and process what has happened a little better.
2. Write It Out: Emotions are likely going to be running high and when that happens, we tend to say and do things that are not beneficial to us or the situation; they may not even represent how you are really feeling. Take some time to write a letter to your spouse where you say everything you are feeling. Then rip it up. Repeat this process several times until you feel you have articulated how you feel in a way that feels authentic. You don’t have to give the letter to your spouse to read but just taking the time to sort through your thoughts and feelings will help you to better articulate them when you do speak.
3. Speak in Private: You’re hurt, you’re angry and you’re ready to fight which is understandable but giving neighbors, children and family members a ringside seat to rounds with your spouse will likely cause more bruises than you bargained for. That said, if you are fearful for your safety, avoid all contact with your spouse and call a lawyer, the police or a local women’s shelter to learn of your rights and steps to take to protect yourself.
4. If You Feel Unstable, Get Help: Your spouse has just ripped your foundation from under you and much of what you believed to be true isn’t. It is only natural that some betrayed spouses go into a state of shock or get a sense they are watching the situation from the outside. Call a therapist, a trusted loved one or walk into your local emergency room if you feel you might do something to harm yourself or another.
Brenda Della Casa is the internationally published author of Cinderella Was a Liar (www.cinderellawasaliar.com) and has interviewed thousands of men and women on the topic of sex and love for her book, articles and a variety of relationship shows for which she helped cast. Her site, Walking Barefoot, can be seen at www.strollwithoutshoes.com and the Cinderella blog can be seen at www.cinderellawasaliar.org
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