Cheating, Lying & Staying Married Anyway?

Q: My husband had an affair recently with someone I knew from our daughter’s school. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back because he blamed it on me, stating that I should have been more supportive of him. I no longer even like or respect him yet he insists I continue to have sex with him daily (sometimes more than once a day), and I hate it. I pretend to enjoy it. I only want to stay married long enough to finish my graduate degree in two years. He thinks, however, that I am in the marriage for the long haul. I am so confused. What should I do?  

A: It does not appear you both took what I would think would be a necessary time-out after the discovery of the affair and the related feelings of betrayal. Opening your self up to possible disease and further emotional injury by disrespecting the gift of giving your body to him freely is a recipe for marital disaster. You appear to have a tendency to bury, hide, delay or stuff your true feelings in favor of keeping some kind of “peace” I suppose. 

Remember, blessed are the peacemakers, not the peacekeepers. This is because making peace actually takes effort requiring radically bold, honest actions that bring about transformation for the better. Keeping the peace requires nothing but cowardice. I invite you to help your husband grow in intimate connection to you by letting him in on what you honestly think and feel. He is not the only one in the marriage prone to being dishonesty. 

You have both expressed your dishonesty in different ways. It may help you to pursue assertiveness training with a helpful therapist and direct him to engage in the “Every Man’s Battle” workshops and books that are focused on helping men to remain sexually pure and to bring intimacy into their sex lives with their wives. 

Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy.