Madonna and A-Rod: Friends or More?

    John and Mary struck up a natural friendship when they met at their local book club. They immediately acted on their mutual attraction to each other. They talk on the phone regularly, have coffee and sometimes even lunch and very often confide in each other.   

Here’s the rub: Both John and Mary are married. But not to each other, which begs the question: Are they having an emotional affair or is it just a friendship? “When the friendship interferes with your relationship at home, that’s an emotional affair,” said Danine Manette, 40, an Oakland, Calif., career criminal investigator and author of "Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity."
 
“In an emotional affair, you check out mentally from the marriage. You are mentally gone because you are so busy wrapped in what this other person is doing, thinking and feeling. You are making decisions based on how the other person will feel about them. Emotional affairs are very dangerous. They really are because often, you don’t know  you are in one until it is too late.”    

The difference between an emotional affair and a physical one has been the topic of much discussion since Cynthia Rodriguez filed for divorce from Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez, alleging he's had a series of affairs since they were married four years ago.

C-Rod also alleges that her husband, with whom she has two children, had an emotional affair with pop superstar Madonna. It was, according to C-Rod's divorce attorney, Earle Lilly, an "affair of the heart." The Material Girl has been dealing rumors of her own -- about her potential uncoupling with husband Guy Ritchie -- has denied any emotional affair with A-Rod, adding she's happily married to Ritchie and plans to stay that way.

This issue's become so hot that Toronto fans tried to throw A-Rod off his game this weekend by holding Madonna photos while he was on the field. And Monday, casinos in Reno, Nev., tried tempting sports fans with a bet: how many career home runs will A-Rod have by the pop star's 50th birthday on Aug. 16?" 

"The Madonna and Alex Rodriguez situation is a public announcement of a private situation and we are hearing one of three sides to a story. We don't know if Alex and Madonna were having an affair of any kind but we do know that most men and women would not appreciate their mate slipping in and out of another person's home at any time, let alone after midnight," said relationships expert, Brenda Della Casa, author of "Cinderella Was a Liar," a book that offers real-life relationship advice. 

Whether there's any physical connection or not, the whole mess has become damaging to both couples, said Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin your Marriage." 

"Emotional affairs can be as damaging as sexual affairs," she explained. "The issue is disrespect toward your wife and family. You can have an innocent crush on someone, and it doesn't need to become disrespectful. Married people, especially parents, need to grow up emotionally and learn self-control. If you're a celeb, and acting in ways the paparazzi can document as out-of-bounds, that's not respectful to your wife and family."

While many people have never even heard of emotional affairs, psychologists and those who work in the field of marriage counseling, say they are common. Many times, emotional affairs crop up when a spouse is feeling neglected at home or not emotionally fulfilled. Meeting someone who can fill those feelings can enhance the attraction between two people who may not realize on a cognitive level that there is something missing in the their marriages and are seeking that emotionally elsewhere.    

“There is some blockage already in the marriage. You take each other for granted and that is  where the whole thing begins,” said Tessina, 64, a Palm Beach, Calif.-based psychotherapist. “You find a connection with this other person. There is a thing that happens in your head where you start to believe that this other person is so much better than your spouse in various ways. When that comparison thing happens, that is the moment of betrayal. After a while, part of you is actively withheld from your spouse and reserved only for this other person.”    

And when that happens, something else takes place, too, she said. You start to distance yourself from your spouse and the relationship between you and your new friend reaches a level of secrecy, while the one between you and your spouse continues to erode. “Emotional affairs are often first steps out of the existing relationship. They can rob the current relationship of richness and chances for happiness,” said LeslieBeth Wish, 60, a psychologist and social worker based in Sarasota, Fla. who has been counseling couples in relationships for more than 30 years.    

Oddly, they can have a positive effect, too, she added. “Emotional affairs can also can stabilize a difficult relationship at home that might just be staying together for the sake of the children, for example. It can allow the person to feel the care, concern and connection that are missing at home,” she said, adding that she doesn’t endorse this to keep a marriage healthy, but there are relationships she has counseled where a platonic, emotional affair with an outsider has kept the marriage together.