Oh Solo Mio: Tips to Deal with Cheating

    It’s one of the worst things one human being can do to another and yet, conservative estimates report that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will cheat on their spouse at least once in their marriage. So, what does this tell us? A third party will enter at least half of the marriages in the United States. If you find yourself in the unfortunate circumstance of finding that your spouse has been unfaithful, read below for a few things you may not know.

1. It’s Not Your Fault.
We hear it all of the time; it two people to make – and break -- a marriage and while I agree with the former, the fact is there are many people who are perfectly capable of shattering a beautiful relationship all on their own. Even if you were a less than stellar spouse, your partner had many (better!) options than to hop into the sack with someone else. While many cheaters have good sense not to blame their spouses for their cheating ways, some are looking for a justification for their actions or simply trying to convince themselves they aren’t as slimy as their actions say they are, whatever their reason, don’t buy it. 

2. If Someone Wants To Cheat, They Will.
There are some men and women who believe threats, agreements or-heck-a chunk of human decency will prevent their spouse from cheating when temptation comes luring it’s ugly head but the fact is, the only thing that will stop someone from putting your mental, emotional and physical health on the chopping block is them.

3. Cheating Is Not About How Attractive You or The Other Person Might Be.
Many betrayed spouses have an idea that the other person wooed their spouses with movie star looks and top-notch seduction skills but the fact is that many betrayed spouses find themselves downright shocked at how much less attractive the other person is. “My husband cheated on me with someone who looked like she could be my mother had my mother worked in the sun the last 20 years,” says Anna, 32, of San Jose, Calif. Infidelity is almost never about someone’s physical attributes but instead about how the cheater feels about themselves and their relationship. It’s also about their inability to reach out to their spouse or a professional and say, “you know what, something’s wrong.”

4. Not all Cheaters are Repeat Offenders (but Some Are).
“Once a cheater, always a cheater," is a common response when people hear about infidelity but like so many other phrases, just because we say it doesn’t make it a true. There are men and women who cheat habitually but there are some people who do a really lousy thing, learn from it and don’t repeat it. “I cheated on my wife and woke up feeling like my world was caving in on me and she still had no idea. I could not believe I had done the unthinkable and wound up running out of some strange woman’s room. I have never been so disgusted with myself and knew that I would never do it again and I haven’t,” said Mark, 35, New Jersey. 

5. No One Has a Right to Judge Your Decision to Stay or Go.
Betrayed spouses have enough on their emotional plate without having to hear how “weak or pathetic” they are for choosing to work on their marriage or hearing the reasons why leaving makes their marriage a failure (even if they are saying it to themselves!) You didn’t ask for this to happen and it’s likely not something you sat around planning for so deal with it as best as you can and make the best decision you can with the information you have. There are counselors, friends and family members all willing to dish out advice but it is ultimately up to you to decide what feels right for your life.  Know that there is no shame on working on your marriage nor is there any in walking away. This is your life, your marriage, your family and your decision.

6. Not All Men Cheat and Not Only Men Cheat.
While statistics show that more men cheat, the fact is, conservative estimates claim that 40 percent of unfaithful partners are women and some experts believe it is closer to half.

7. Blaming the Other Person Isn’t Going To Help Your Marriage.
It may be easier to think your spouse was seduced or tricked but the harsh reality is that the other person is not married to you. While they may not be blameless in many cases, your spouse is the one who made the ultimate choice to betray the relationship. Allowing them to be a victim of seduction or too much alcohol takes away accountability which is essential to growth and healing.

8. Counseling Can Help.
Whether it’s individual therapy, marriage counseling or both, a qualified psychologist with experience in infidelity can be a great safe-haven and resource for both you and your spouse. Keep in mind that not all therapists are created equal so don’t give up if you need to see a few before you find one who feels right.

Brenda Della Casa is the internationally published author of Cinderella Was a Liar (www.cinderellawasaliar.com) and has interviewed thousands of men and women on the topic of sex and love for her book, articles and a variety of relationship shows for which she helped cast.  Her site, Walking Barefoot, can be seen at www.strollwithoutshoes.com and the Cinderella blog can be seen at www.cinderellawasaliar.org