If Elizabeth Edwards Is Staying, Should You Too?

HOW TO MAKE  A DECISION

Vaughan, who stayed and worked through her husband James’ infidelity, offers the following guidelines for deciding whether you should stay or go: 

1. Make your own decision (regardless of what others think).

2. Do not rush the decision. Get as much information as possible about your own situation and about affairs in general.

3. Consider the emotional piece of this, but realize it's only one part, not the sole basis for a good decision.

4. Consider the practical factors involved (including money, kids, and other relevant issues), but realize the importance of balancing these concerns with the more personal, emotional needs.

5. Base the decision not just on the past, but also on the future.

In her book, Vaughan writes: "No one has a crystal ball to see just what the future holds, but there are indications that can serve as a guide. Is there a willingness to talk about what happened and to try to learn from it? Is there a willingness to use the information in a constructive way instead of using it as a way to punish past behavior? Is there a willingness to acknowledge attractions as normal and likely in the future, and a plan for ongoing discussions of these temptations? Is there a commitment to honesty as the basis of the relationship (rather than just a promise of monogamy)? Is there evidence of a willingness to be honest by ongoing sharing of thoughts and feelings about subjects other than affairs? (If there is not honest communication about other issues, there's little likelihood there will be honesty in talking about affairs.) Even if there's no evidence of the things listed above at this time, does it seem reasonable to think of moving toward this way of relating? Changes of this kind don't happen overnight, but unless there's an indication of movement in this direction, there's little hope for developing a good marriage."         

"Deciding whether to stay married or get a divorce is a complicated decision, but carefully considering all these factors can help a person sort through their personal values and priorities to make the decision that best fits their individual situation. And by making a carefully considered decision in a rational way (instead of reacting to the panic of the initial shock of the affair or to the pressure from others to decide more quickly), they should reap the benefits of being more confident and at peace with whatever decision they make," according to Vaughan.   

No matter what you may have thought or said about what you’d do if your spouse cheated just like Wendy Vitter, no one really knows what they’ll really do until it happens to them.

Laurie S. Moison (Hall) has written for newspapers in Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, and Washington, D. C. Author of four books, including "An Affair of the Mind," she has lectured nationally on sexuality, forgiveness, ethics and spirituality. She can be reached at lhall@together.net.