If Elizabeth Edwards Is Staying, Should You Too?

1. Get the Facts First.
 “You can’t make an intelligent decision until get you get all the facts,”  says infidelity expert Ruth Houston, author of “Is He Cheating on You - 829 Telltale Signs.”

Was the cheater under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Did he find himself in a compromising situation? Was this a one-night stand or a long-term affair? Are there children from this affair? While there is no excuse for cheating, finding out what circumstances surround the cheating can help you assess whether this is a situation you’re up for working through. So, difficult though it may be, sit down with the errant spouse and find out everything you can about what’s occurred. If necessary, have a third party such as a therapist or marriage counselor help you through this tough conversation.
 
“If they don’t come clean about the affair, or if they lie and say it didn’t happen or brush it off, that doesn’t bode well,” said Houston. “They must come clean and answer whatever questions the victim has, otherwise there’s a problem.”  

2. Find out What the Root Cause Is.
“Leaving or putting the cheater out without finding out the root cause for the affair is a mistake,” said Houston. While no one is responsible for another person cheating on him or her, sometimes a person can inadvertently foster instability in the relationship by the environment they create. “If they’ve been ignoring their spouse, or seeing problems and looking the other way, or haven’t been keeping their finger on the pulse of the marriage, they may have created an environment of vulnerability,” said Houston.

Whether you decide to stay or not, being aware of how you might have contributed to the problem can help you avoid similar problems in the future. On the other hand, if your spouse cheated because they have a sense of entitlement to cheat or because they feel the rules don’t apply to them, that’s a mindset that’s very difficult to change.  

3. Throw in the Towel if the Cheater Shows No Remorse.
According to the late Dr. Shirley Glass, author of “NOT Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal,” you should end the relationship if your partner has no compassion for your pain, justifies the betrayal, minimizes the significance of the infidelity or if he or she continues to lie or deceive you.  

3. Throw in the Towel if This Isn’t the First Time.
Cheaters are repeaters. “If someone is an habitual cheater, it’s not a good sign. If you take them back, you’re telling them, ‘I’ll take you back no matter how many times you cheat,’” said Houston.

If there is a history of cheating, the cheater may be a sex addict. Sexual addiction is more difficult to break than cocaine addiction and more likely to recidivate than any other addiction. Sexual addiction is fueled by pornography. Testifying before the U. S. Senate Commerce Committee's Science, Technology and Space Subcommittee, Dr. Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Cognitive Therapy, called porn the "most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today."

4. Pick up the Pieces if the Cheater Takes Responsibility.
Glass suggests sticking with your marriage if your partner shows remorse and empathy for your devastation, takes responsibility for understanding their vulnerabilities, is willing to discuss the betrayals openly and honestly and if the behavior has stopped.      

5. Pick up the Pieces if the Cheater is Willing to Work to Rebuild Trust.
The destruction of trust is the one of the most serious consequences of infidelity. Trust is the basis for intimacy. Without it, relationships are empty and often wounding. Rebuilding trust starts with laying down ground rules. “You have to set some boundaries before you take the person back,” said Houston.“ The first rule is they have to make a clean break with the other person, otherwise you can’t rebuild trust.”

Determine what you need in order to feel confident that your spouse has not only ended the illicit relationship but is actively working to rebuild the relationship with you. Then, ask for it. If the cheater is not willing to give that to you, they don’t value the marriage enough to repair the damage.  “You can’t put rebuilding of trust into a timeframe. It takes as long as it takes,” said Houston. “Some people need longer to feel they’re able to trust a cheater than others. So, the cheater can’t say, it’s been six months already, give it a break.”

Most counselors say a two-year time frame is the minimum to fully recover and rebuild trust. The longer the couple has been together, the longer it will take. So, if you were married 20 years before you found out about the infidelity, expect it to take considerably longer than two years

6. Be Patient.
Most victims of infidelity experience post-traumatic stress where they feel incredible anxiety and are hyper-vigilant to any signs of infidelity. So, both spouses have to realize the victim will have flashbacks, which means if he comes home 10 minutes late she may have a tendency to blow that out of proportion, because that’s what he did when he was with her.

Knowing how to say, “I’m having a tough time here, please help me” is a crucial part of moving beyond the ongoing fallout of broken trust. Likewise, the cheater has to be aware that he will go through a grieving process. ”If he doesn’t know that, he can misinterpret and mistake those feelings to mean I should have stayed with the other woman, maybe we were meant to be together,” said Houston. “The reality is that person filled a certain need and there will be a gap when they stop seeing them. You have to be prepared for that to happen, otherwise it can be a setback to whole process of trying to reconcile.”  

Whether you decide to stay or leave, having your marriage affected by adultery changes you irrevocably. It tests your basic assumptions about the world, shakes your social support network, and forces you to get very clear about exactly what kind of life you want to create. Which means, surviving adultery is a very stressful experience. So, take very good care of yourself by developing simple daily rituals that make life delicious. Whether it’s brewing a pot of favorite tea or taking a leisurely walk or soaking in a candle-lit bath or blowing bubbles or any other small act that gives you pleasure, building moments of joy into your life will help bring peace to your heart and put this experience in context. After all, adultery is something that has happened to you. It does not define you.  


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