Dr. Romance: Moving Past Infidelity

    Discovering that your spouse has had an out of wedlock child is so upsetting and overwhelming that you may not think you can get over it. Surprisingly enough, many marriages do survive this. However, even if your marriage doesn’t last, if you have children, this is their half-sibling, and the connection will last a lifetime, so it’s important to learn to handle it.

1. Please keep firmly in mind that none of this is the child’s fault. 
Aim your anger where it belongs, at your straying spouse, and not at the child. Do not punish this child to get even with your spouse or your ex. This child has enough strikes against him or her already, without adults adding to the problem with bad behavior.

2. Treat the child as you would the children of a previous marriage. 
Explain the situation to your own children according to their age level, and allow them to have a relationship with their half sibling. Children usually seek out missing siblings when they grow old enough, if they haven’t been allowed contact. They feel the need to connect.

3. This is a very difficult emotional problem, so don’t hesitate to get help. 
Therapy will give you a place to express your feelings, and some rational advice and support. If you’re in a difficult financial situation, seek low-cost counseling through a church, the local department of mental health.


Tina Tessina, Ph.D., has been a licensed California psychotherapist for more than 30 years. She's authored more than 11 books, including "Money, Sex and Kids."  She can be reached at tina@tinatessina.com.