Dr. Gilda: Cheating Spouse?

    Elizabeth Edwards lost her 16-year-old son in a car crash. She contracted breast cancer. Her cancer returned to her bones, and it is inoperable. Her husband told her about his infidelity in 2006, and she believed they worked through their woes. She said this was “a process made somewhat easier with my diagnosis in March of 2007.” 

It may seem “easier” to abandon one crisis for another, but avoidance doesn’t resolve anything. Her husband is still involved with his “other woman,” and it will take years to rebuild trust — if she even wants to. Here are 5 things Elizabeth Edwards -- or any woman dealing with a cheating spouse -- must do now to help herself:

1. Stop accepting "less-than" treatment.
The fear of lovelessness that accompanies illness is real.  Many physically-ailing clients assess themselves as “damaged goods.” So they unwittingly accept “less than” treatment from mates they would ordinarily kick to the curb. Elizabeth must realize and honor her self-worth.

2. Decide if she believes him.
John defended his affair with this: “I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic.” He rationalized that he didn’t love his mistress, and anyway, his wife’s cancer was in remission at the time. John believes his own lies; Elizabeth must decide whether to accept them.

3. Get some therapy.
During a long marriage, some people stray to prove they still have the power to excite. This is a self-serving and narcissistic move. The Edwards and their children need intense therapy to grasp what happened, why, and what to do next.

4. Decide whether to stick with him.
Elizabeth has 31 years worth of reasons to want to keep her marriage and family intact. John described her as “the most extraordinarily unselfish woman I have ever known.” Elizabeth must never allow unselfishness to trump her self-respect.

5. Confront his lies.
Unwavering self-esteem and firm boundaries stave off “less than” treatment.  An egocentric and narcissistic John obviously interpreted her “extraordinary unselfishness” as weakness — which he abused. Elizabeth must stop being so pushover-nice, and confront her husband on his lies.


Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., is an internationally known psychotherapist and author of the E-book, "How to Win When your Mate Cheates." For more information, see her Web site at http://www.DrGilda.com download her E-book.