You Know They're Cheating When...

    Former presidential candidate John Edwards seemed like the perfect husband. Handsome. Smart. A man devoted to his children. And the kind of person who would stand beside his wife as she was battling cancer. But after his confession that he cheated on his wife of 30 years, Americans realized it was nothing more than a facade, which covered the fact that anyone -- even a man portrayed as devoted to his family -- could be tempted to cheat.

"Men cheat because they feel unappreciated, sexually undesirable at home, or they're afraid of aging," said Dr. Tina Tessina, Ph.D., aka Dr. Romance, author of the book, "Money, Sex and Kids," which helps couples overcome the three issues that cause the most marital strife. "Women cheat because they feel unloved, they're not getting affection, they feel taken for granted."  

So how do you know if your spouse is cheating? "Signs of infidelity never appear in isolation, so don't conclude that your spouse is cheating on the basis of one or two telltale signs. Where there's one sign, there are usually dozens of other corroborating signs just waiting to be found," said infidelity expert Ruth Houston. "If your spouse is really cheating, you'll find clusters of telltale signs all at once."

The signs you notice may be different, depending on your gender: "Men may notice the physical -- new underwear or greater atention paid to looking put together. As women are often more intuitive and tuned into emotions, they may at first notice something is not quite right -- a preoccupation, a different smell -- and then follow up on their hunch," said Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D,, who is co-founder of  www.HerMentorCenter.com.

Divorce360 asked its experts to share lists of behavior to look for if you suspect your spouse is cheating. Based on their responses, we've compiled two gender-based list  to help.


HOW TO KNOW HE'S CHEATING: 

1. Changes in Cell Phone or Computer Use.
He doesn't answer his cell phone when he's out with you, letting the call go straight to voice mail, or he deletes text messages and computer history, Della Casa suggests. Another sign, according to Tessina, he puts a password (or a new password) you don't know on his e-mail and spends more time on it than he used to. Or perhaps his briefcase, backpack, wallet are now off limits to you, Houston added.

2. He Fights More Often.
He starts fights with you over trivial things that never used to bother him and then "storms out.," Della Casa suggests.

3. He Changes His Appearance.
He buys new clothes and changes his appearance, Della Casa suggests. He begins wearing cologne when he didn't before or he starts wearing it more frequently or he went from wearing cotton BVD's to silk boxer shorts, from white underwear to colors, Houston said. And now he's showering more often, usually right after he gets home.

4. He Doesn't Want to Be Seen with You.
He walks ahead of you when you're out and about, and he isn't affectionate in public.

5. Work-Related Changes.
He stays late at work, goes in weekends, etc., Tessina suggested. But there's no extra income. Or he's traveling for work, but doesn't call often when he's away. Or, according to Della Casa, he doesn't take you along to work parties, events where other spouses are being included. .

6. His Attitude Changes.
He's suddenly happier, Tessina said, or he has a personality change -- becoming more or less talkative. "Affection stops all together or he showers you with affection and or gifts out of guilt," Della Casa said. 

7. He's Never in the Mood.
Della Casa said a clear sign is a lack of sexual desire. "Maybe he goes to bed before or after you or sleeps with his back to you. This is often a way of disconnecting emotionally," she said. Or maybe suddenly tries all sorts of new things in bed.  Or, "Maybe now he's now taking Viagra – but isn't having sex with you," Houston said. 

8. Unexplained Absences.
He engaging in sports/outdoor activities (fishing, hunting, camping) or hanging out with the guys, Houston said.

9. Money is Missing.
All the sudden there's missing money, which he's spending on wining, dining and buying gifts for his mistress.

10. His Tastes Change.
When you go out to eat, he orders types of food that you've never known him to order before, Houston said. Or he suddenly becomes interested in new types of music he never listened to before, or buys a book or movie he never would have watched but says he just wants to try something new.


HOW TO KNOW SHE'S CHEATING: 

1. She Doesn't Want to Hold Hands.
She stops asking for affection, which according to Tessina is a clear sign of disinterest.

2. She Goes Out More.
She goes out more, saying she's spending time with her girlfriends, Tessina said. Or maybe, Della Casa, suggests, she has a particular friend she says she's with, one she trusts to cover for her if you ask questions..She's gone for long periods of time, saying she's shopping or at a day spa, Houston said.

3. Her Attitude Changes.
She's glowing, or guilty, Tessina said, or she was depressed but now she's very, very busy.

4. She Changes Her Looks.
If she cares more about her appearance, this is a sign, Tessina said. Maybe she's working out more, dressing up more, but when she's home with you, she wears sweats and no makeup, Della Casa added. .She's wearing heavier make up or wearing make-up more often, Houston said.

5. She Doesn't Talk to You.
She gets secretive about what she's doing, Tessina said. 

6. She Goes Shopping.
She comes home with new clothes or new underwar that you never see her wear, Della Casa suggested. Or, she changes from wearing plain white lingerie to bras and panties in colors and lacy fabrics, from regular panties to thongs, Houston added

7. She's Always Angry.
She argues with you over the little things that never bothered her before, Della Casa said.

8. Prvacy Becomes an Issue.
Her purse has suddenly become off limits, Houston said.

9. She's Spending More Money.
She's sudddenly more money on her appearance, Houston said. 

10. Her Tastes Change.
She starts cooking types of food you've never know her to cook before ( ethnic, vegetarian, health food), Houston said. She buys books, music or videos that aren't in keeping with her usual tastes.


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