Why Do Spouses Cheat?

Believe it or not, Martin’s theory has some validity in the therapeutic realm. “One spouse is often more highly sexed than his spouse. The person with lower desires simply doesn’t get how spouse wants to have sex even when they are not getting along. She doesn’t get the meaning or importance sex plays to the other person. In this case, the person with lower desire controls the sexual relationship,” Weiner-Davis said. “The person wanting more sex meets a person or people eager to have sex, and it’s a compelling attraction. Often that leads to a physical affair.”  

“Men are pretty wired for physical gratification,” Tessina said. “And that is one of the things that goes wrong. Women brush away the sexuality and the man goes elsewhere. Conversely, if the man is neglectful affection-wise, she will stray.”   

Simple as that. But does that explain the one night stand? “Some people just make crappy choices,” Weiner-Davis said. “You know, you’re at work, there’s a staff meeting and everyone goes out for drinks afterward. You have one too many, flirtation leads to a one night stand. It’s not like there is something wrong with the marriage. It’s just bad judgement, and acting on inhibitions that were lowered because of alcohol. The spouse often feels bad about it.”      

“What is the lure of the one night stand? The adventure, the novelty of someone new. Sometimes it’s the conquest and acting out mischievous behaviors that can be quite exciting. It’s the danger that excites some people,” said Jay Granat, 55, a couples counselor in private practice in Riveredge, N. J.  

One night stands also seem to be the venue of choice for those who have hidden or not come to grips with their sexuality. “A number of my patients have had affairs with people of the same sex,” Granatt said. “Some are bisexual but are committed to their hetero marriage. Some are homosexual and don’t want to come out of the closet. It affords them an outlet to be who they are sexually.”   

Or it could be to satisfy curiosity. “There are some people who did not have sexual partners before marriage and they are just plain curious what it is like to be with someone else,” Weiner Davis said.    

Unfortunately, there are people in this world that just can’t be monogamous. Call them players, if you will, but they will not change, no matter how hard they try. “It is not a result of problems in the relationship; you just picked someone who is used to having sex with anyone, who likes to mess around and that is going to keep going. And there isn’t much to do about it,” Tessina said. “Those are the ones where affairs create the problem in the marriage.”    

“It doesn’t matter who they are married to. They can’t be monogamous with anybody. One patient of mine over the past 20 years, he must have had 70 or 80 affairs. That is an extreme,” Granat said. “Then there is the person who has a paramour for years. Some people want to keep the family intact and want to have a lover, in addition. They need more than one person to have sex with. I have had men and women both say they don’t feel they can be monogamous. And they might have feelings for both of those people – the legal spouse in one way and the paramour as well.”   

Being chronically cheated on is nothing new to Holly White Valliant, who has so much experience that she considers herself an expert. She was first cheated on in third grade when she had her first crush on a boy. “I looked up and Tracy was sitting on his lap. I can still see her sitting on his lap,” said the 42-year old publicist and literary agent from San Diego, Calif. “From third grade on, it was cheating, cheating, cheating. I thought it was a game you could win. So I started to play, too.”   

But she found out after much experience that deception, while it might be the ultimate revenge, is not a victory. “I thought I could outdo them. But I was wasting my time... I would go to the edge. It’s not worth it.”   

She finally hung up her cheating spurs and is now married, but her experiences of being lied to have left many lessons, the biggest of which has to do with herself. “Everything that happened to me, I walked into it with both feet. It’s all about wherever your level of self-esteem is. It’s all about self-esteem,” she said.