The Divorce Coach: Why Did the Affair Happen?

    Infidelity signals a problem in the marriage or an individual conflict. Some reasons are: depression, low self-esteem, life cycle transitions, addiction, fear of conflict, lack of intimacy and as a way to exit the marriage. Most spouses are sensitive to subtle changes in their partner’s behavior. Jealousy, accusatory conduct, or passivity hampers efforts to address these issues Honesty is always best.              

There are different types of infidelity. Sexual addiction is compulsive behavior to seek arousal over the need for intimacy. Addiction to love/romance in which the infidel continually seeks new passion. Emotional affairs (i.e.: affairs online) seek emotional intimacy and may not lead to physical contact. Philandering, a predominately male form, confirms power, success and masculinity. Philanderers can be controlling, abusive and violent toward women.               

Some of the signals a spouse may be having an affair include: emotional detachment, avoidance of intimacy, withdrawal of affection, money reallocation, work schedule changes, personality changes, life cycle transitions (i.e.: mid-life crisis), family chaos, change in status (i.e.: power), addictive issues and cyber access. If you have concerns about your relationship address them early on.                           

Not all marriages end because of infidelity. Some spouses reaffirm their commitment to one another and restore intimacy. This is achieved when both spouses take responsibility for the problems in the marriage, undergo couples counseling, and all contact with the individual has been severed. Others feel the betrayal is too overwhelming and file for divorce. The more unsuspecting a spouse is, the greater the sense of betrayal which can be emotionally traumatizing. The suddenness, great sense of loss of self  and as a couple shatter the trust bonds which cannot be mended. Depression, anxiety, and continued crises between the couple ensue.  Numerous affairs will eventually erode any marriage beyond repair. 

Clare Heicklen is a marriage family therapist with an M.A. in clinical psychology. She has worked in private practice in adult, child and family therapy and is a member of the American Associationf or Marriage and Family Therapy. She can be reached at pmjh@sbcglobal.net .