Sociologist Dr. Edward Lauman has found that infidelity is often a sign that, for at least one party, the relationship is already over. Over the past 12 years, Lauman, the George Herbert Mead Distinguished Service Professor of Sociology at the University of Chicago, has co-authored a number of studies on human sexual behavior. Included among those studies is the landmark National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS), considered the most comprehensive survey on American sexuality.
According to Lauman’s NHSLS research, 90 percent of Americans believe that infidelity is always morally wrong. “So, if you do, in fact, have an affair, it’s often a sign you’re already on your way out the door,” Lauman said. In another study conducted in Chicago in 2004, Lauman and his researchers interviewed more than 2,000 area residents and found that every year 4 per cent of the region’s spouses woke up to realize that the person they trusted to “forsake all others” had, in fact, forsaken them.
When researchers asked married people the question, “How many sexual partners have you had in the last year?” they found that 4.5 percent of the men and 2.5 percent of the women said, “Two or more." “That figure was pretty constant, no matter what the age of the respondents. So, whether they were 27, 33, or 44 about 4.5 percent of men and 2.5 percent of the women were annually defecting on their partners,” Lauman said.
Even marriages that had not ended due to adultery had been affected by it. “When we asked married people, ‘Have you ever had sex with someone other than your spouse during this marriage?’ 25 percent of the men and 15 percent of the women said, ‘Yes,’” Lauman said.
That meant that one out of four Chicago wives and one out of six Chicago husbands had, at one time or another, grappled with the devastation of betrayal. A feeling of outrage at having been led down the garden path is common among betrayed spouses. “They say, ‘I lived with him/her for 10 years and it was all a lie,’” Lauman said. “They’re very angry that they were misled. Violation of trust is a very, very big story and it’s the destruction of trust that makes it so hard to restore the relationship.”
While some marriages manage to limp along, it’s Lauman’s opinion that adultery often causes permanent pain in relationship. Traditionally, men have had the financial wherewithal to end that pain by exiting. Today, women have the same option. “In the old days, women had to look the other way because they were economically dependent on the men. Today, they can pick up and move on. Therefore, the expectation of a commitment is easier to enforce,” said Lauman.
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Laurie S. Moison (Hall) has written for newspapers in Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, and Washington, D. C. Author of four books, including "An Affair of the Mind," she has lectured nationally on sexuality, forgiveness, ethics and spirituality. She can be reached at lhall@together.net. 
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