Her Mentor Center: Spouse Had Affair with Boss

Q: My ex-wife had an ongoing affair with her boss during the last year of our marriage but I was blinded by love. How can I ever believe that my present girlfriend won't betray me?  

A:  What you are feeling is very typical and normal when a partner has had an affair. Learning to trust again can be a major issue in the healing process. Now that you are dating and having concerns, seeing a therapist can be helpful, even if you went with your ex-wife during the divorcing process. Take this opportunity to excavate the layers of your emotions so you'll be more fully aware of what's going on in your present relationship.   

Think about if your girlfriend reminds you of your ex-wife in any way. Share your doubts about her and get a reality check from friends or family. As it can take time before you have faith in your own judgment again, finding the support of those you trust can make it easier on both you and your new relationship.  

Try to separate your thoughts about your ex-wife from those about your girlfriend. Ask yourself whether what you're feeling is related to what happened in your marriage or to what's going on now, to your girlfriend's attitude or to your insecurities. You may want to make her aware of these issues – if she really cares, she'll be willing to work them through with you. Address any concerns directly and honestly when they come up and encourage her to do the same.   

Know that openness and trust need to build over time, especially if you've been betrayed in the past. A good measuring stick is whether, in your current relationship, there have been any actions or experiences that have resulted in broken trust.  Whereas you didn't have control in your marriage, you do have choices now.  

Although there are no guarantees in life, remaining emotionally cut off has its own pain. You can stay buried in the hurt of the past or you can let go and give in to the potential of a loving relationship.  



Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.