Are You the Other Woman?

    Sarah J. Symonds knows all about what it meant to be “the other woman.” For years, mostly in her 20’s, the author and lecturer was a serial other woman. 

“I was thrust into a world where cheating and affairs were a way of life,” says Symonds who has now literally written the book on affairs. Her recent release, “Having an Affair: A Handbook for the Other Woman” offers practical advice to women who are currently involved with married men. She hopes it will empower women who are in these kinds of relationships.  

Although Symonds describes herself as reformed, she does not judge the many single women who enter into affairs. “I hear everyday from women in this situation,” says Symonds. “And it is always the woman who ends up getting hurt.”  

But millions of women ignore this advice, deciding everyday that having a relationship with a married man is a viable option for them. And although, no two women have the exact same reasons for entering into an affair, many of the outcomes are similar: despair.  

In popular culture, the “other woman” has traditionally been portrayed as the home wrecker, the person who comes in and ruins families, leaving a mess of pain and devastation in her wake. But many times, it is she — not the family -- who suffers the most heartache, says Symonds.  

Why would a woman consider this kind of relationship option? “Any person enters into any relationship to get their needs met,” says Karen Card, a Florida-based relationship coach who has seen dozens of women over the years who are involved with married men.   
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Their reasons may vary, but like Symonds, Card feels it is often the “other woman” who suffers the most. And although Card does not openly tell her clients to end relationships, she does steer women in the direction of ending things by working on the woman’s own issues in prioritizing her needs and why she is willing to settle for a relationship that does not meet all of them.  

Card says she is not surprised, though. So few people are in relationships where all of their needs are being met and, in fact, many have become so accustomed to relationships that only meet five of our 10 needs that when one that meets six comes along they may jump on it, even if that man or woman is unavailable or otherwise involved.  

“These relationships almost never work out in the long run,” she says. “Many times, the man fuels the fantasy that he is leaving the wife, anything to get her to stay.”   
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This was certainly true for Symonds whose own path to infidelity was paved by the notion that “there are so few decent, single men,” according to her. Other women might be enticed by the danger. Some do not even know the man they love is taken until it is too late. But either way, Symonds has never seen an affair end well.  

After a series of affairs with married men, Symonds had what she describes as her “comeuppance” when the successful, married businessman she was dating and had fallen in love with, refused to leave his wife, despite his promises and assurances to the contrary.   

“I ended up calling his wife,” says Symonds, who remembers the process as one of the more painful episodes of her life.  And although she shared the truth with the wife, his wife was unwilling to leave. “The wives want to accept the husband’s affair because it is easier,” Symonds says.   
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According to Card, this is not uncommon. “The wife often decides to stay because she has believed his lies all along,” Card says. “If he uses the same tactics he has been using, it will work.  All she has to believe is that it won’t happen again.”  
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In her book, Symonds cautions women to avoid being used. There are reasons to have an affair, she says. But she hopes that women will get something out of them, instead of just heartache.