Are Cheaters the Same?

    If your marital problem is an affair, recognize that not all affairs are created equal.Although they may be painful, some are more damaging to relationships than others, according to Chad Hybarger, Psy.D., clinical director of the Family Therapy Institute in El Cajon, Calif. He idenitifies three different types of affairs.

1. Wrong place, wrong time affair.
The least damaging affair is the “wrong place at the wrong time affair.” In this type, the unfaithful partner was not purposefully seeking to stray and may feel remorseful about it afterward. Here, the person simply succumbed to a moment of weakness. These affairs tend to be one-time only indiscretions that are not likely to be repeated. For whatever reason, the person was in an emotionally vulnerable situation with a sudden spark of attraction that overwhelmed common sense. If handled in the right way, this type of affair can actually strengthen the relationship by allowing both parties to recognize how much the relationship means to them. 

Since the offending party feels badly about the situation, s/he is more likely to cooperate with an intervention. The intervention of choice is the “sleeping with the enemy” intervention. During wartime, when someone sleeps with an enemy soldier, the person’s head is shaved to let everyone know about their indiscretion. Here, the offender allows his/her head to be shaved by the spouse, who puts all of his/her anger and sadness into the process of shaving the head of the unfaithful spouse. The hair is put in a jar and kept in a prominent area of the house, like the fireplace mantle. Whenever the victimized spouse is overcome with emotion, s/he can go to the jar and remember the shaving of the head. The victim is helped by providing a safe way to vent their anger/sadness in a very tangible way.

The unfaithful spouse is helped by having a visible symbol of their remorse and by engaging in a sacrifice of sorts that is more meaningful than a thousand “I’m sorry’s.” Both parties have a visible symbol of the indiscretion and the subsequent taking of responsibility and retribution. And the best pare of the intervention is that the length of time it takes for the hair to grow back is a clear indicator of the length of the sentence. When the hair has grown back, it is time for both parties to put the past behind them and move on with their lives.      

2. Power-play affairs.
The second type of affair is the power-play affair. In this his type of affair, the unfaithfulness was the direct result of a power imbalance in the relationship. By having an affair, one partner is acting out in a way to make him/her feel powerful and to try to rebalance a relationship that is out of balance. Unlike the first type of affair, the unfaithful partner feels justified in the act and may be using it as a form of revenge against real or perceived. In this situation, marital counseling may be advised.

Here, the relationship itself is producing the problem and efforts must be undertaken to repair the structure of the relationship itself. Given that the affair occurred as an attempt to solve the problem, it is a good assumption that the couple may need outside help to find real solutions. Although there is always the chance that the discovery of the affair will open a dialogue about these issues, a great deal of maturity and non-reactivity is required.      

3. Philandering affairs.
The third type of affair is the philandering affair. This is the most difficult type of affair for anyone who has married for romantic reasons and not for socio-political reasons. In this type of affair, the problem is really an individual problem that spills over into the relationship. The philanderer suffers from a need to have many conquests. There could be many reasons for this, but most of them involve the need for individual psychotherapy.

The bad news is that these type of affairs are difficult to stop. The likelihood of further affairs is high and this is definitely in the range of a long-term problem. The best course of action for the aggrieved spouse is to save him/herself either by leaving the relationship or by rededicating him/herself to parts of the relationship that produce a lot of benefits while recognizing that the relationship has limitations.  


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