After Spouse's Affair, Tips to Cope

        When The Globe published photos of Frank Gifford’s affair with Suzen Johnson in 1997, the public wondered what would happen to Gifford’s marriage to Kathie Lee. The same question arose last week after former presidential candidate John Edwards admitted having an affair with a 42-year-old film producer, who has since had a child.

Edwards, who has denied the child is his, has said he told his wife, Elizabeth, he cheated on her shortly after the affair took place in 2006. At the time, he said his wife was in remission for breast cancer, which has since spread to her bones, becoming inoperable.

Edwards' infidelity became widely public after he met the woman, Rielle Hunter, late in July at a hotel in Beverly Hills and was chased into a hotel bathroom by reporters from The National Enquirer, a tabloid that broke the story in October 2007, while Edwards was on the campaign trail. The story has since become fodder among Internet bloggers, who finally pushed it into the mainstream press.

Many couples have privately experienced the private pain suffered by Kathy Lee and Elizabeth Edwards. A University of Chicago study found that every year, four to six percent of American marriages experience infidelity, with 25 percent of all marriages affected by the pain of infidelity sometime during the marriage.

Dr. Don David Lusterman, author of “Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide,” works with many couples whose marriages have been devastated by infidelity. He’s found that 75-80 percent of those who are willing to work on things end up with a better marriage. For this reason, he believes that most marriages do not end because of infidelity. They end because people didn't know how to conduct them.


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If the betrayed partner decides to stay, Lusterman believes marriages can survive an affair, as long as both parties are willing to do the hard work necessary to achieve an authentic relationship.  


NINE STEPS TO RESTORING A MARRIAGE

1. First of all, survive. 
The stress of adultery is tough on any body. With the publicity surrounding her husband's affair, Elizabeth Edwards still has to concentrate on her own health, given her battle against cancer.

If you're the victim of infidelity, keeping your health up is important. While you may lose your appetite or crave carbs, as much as possible, try to eat right. Stay away from alcohol or any other unhealthy habits. Try to get your sleep, even if you have to ask your doctor for something to help you.

2. Don’t judge yourself for your choice to stay. 
Before finding out their own spouse has had an affair, many people have said what they would or wouldn’t do if their spouse cheated, only to do the opposite when it happens to them. When it’s your marriage, your kids, and your home that are on the line, many people decide to swallow their hurt and pride try and save the marriage.

“I had been married at that point for 11 years to a man I adored who had never given me one reason ever to doubt his sincerity or to not to trust him. So this was an aberration in my husband's life,” Kathie Lee told Larry King when he asked her why she’d stayed. “...How am I going to throw something so valuable away because he made a stupid mistake?”

Elizabeth's response has been similar: "Although John believes he should stand alone and take the consequences of his action now, when the door closes behind him, he has his family waiting for him," she wrote in a statement to the public.

3. Don’t judge yourself for your reaction. 
The more invested you are in your marriage, the greater the shock and hurt. So, for many people, the initial response to discovering an affair is pretty messy. “I’ve seen very cultured gentle people, who never curse, completely break down and do a lot of screaming and swearing,” said Dr. Lusterman.

4. Be forthcoming about the details of the affair(s). 
Knowing what has happened is an important part of unraveling the deception that was part of the adultery. John Edwards has said did just that with his wife and his family as a way to atone for his actions.

That's appropriate, according to Dr. Lusterman, who said deception often creates feelings of “craziness” in the spouse. Getting clear about exactly what occurred when begins the arduous process of restoring trust. This doesn't involve every gory detail and exactly what happened between the adulterer and his lover.

“What’s important is how was I lied to,” Dr. Lusterman said. “That involves time lines, reconstruction of travel, business arrangements, and other details. Once that's done and some comforting occurs, then we can work on "normal" marriage problems.”