When You Discover an Affair

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER     

While not all betrayed spouses experience PTSD, many experience it to varying degrees. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), PTSD affects 7.7 million American adults. For most people, the symptoms of PTSD appear within the first three months of the trauma. For others, it can take years and another triggering event before PTSD emerges.        

Those suffering from PTSD may have the following symptoms: They startle easily and have persistent, heart-pounding anxiety about what this all means for them. Not wanting to be fooled again, they often become hyper-vigilant, on the constant look out for any sign that things aren’t as they appear to be. That hyper-alertness tends to extend to other relationships as well because being betrayed by the person you trusted the most can make you feel like you can’t trust anyone. They may lose interest in things they normally enjoy. They may constantly relive the facts around the betrayal and/or the moment the betrayal was uncovered. They avoid situations that remind them of the original incident, and anniversaries of the incident are often very difficult. They may have trouble concentrating and problems sleeping. They may feel hopeless and helpless. They can have crying jags or feel numb and detached, especially with people they were once close to. Emotions are easily triggered. If he’s 15 minutes late getting home from work, she’s a wreck when he arrives because that’s what he used to do when he with the other woman.

The physical effects of PTSD can be alarming. According to Dr. Mark Lerner, of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress, physiological responses may include rapid heart beat, elevated blood pressure, difficulty breathing, shock symptoms, chest pains, cardiac palpitations, muscle tension and pains, fatigue, fainting, flushed face, pale appearance, chills, cold clammy skin, increased sweating, thirst, dizziness, vertigo, hyperventilation, headaches, grinding of teeth, twitches and gastrointestinal upset.      

Knowing that the crazy feelings you have are a “normal” part of betrayal can help with the scary feeling that you’re “losing it.” The good news is PTSD is treatable. Treatment often involves a combination of medication, talk therapy and EMDR — Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro, EMDR uses eye movements, auditory tones and tapping, or other tactile stimulation to help trauma suffers process the information about disturbing situations.        

Julie and Tim’s crisis didn’t have a fairytale ending. Tim wasn’t just having an affair, he had a sexual addiction. Like many addicts, he denied there was a problem. So, the marriage didn’t survive.        

Julie, on the other hand, has rebuilt her life, turning her pain into an opportunity to help others. Working with other women who’ve experienced similar betrayal, she co-founded a non-profit called New Life Partners. NLP is a faith-based online support group for women whose husbands are sex addicts. "After the discovery of Tim's extreme acting out, most days I felt like I was choking on my own life,” Julie said. "Today, I have a rich life filled with great warmth and joy. Family, friendships and my relationship with God yield goodness. Much goodness."


RESOURCES

The American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress has a traumatic stress library and an international registry of professionals who have been trained to help people experiencing traumatic events. 

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Web site includes information about EMDR and how to find an EMDR clinician. 

New Life Partners provides a faith-based e-mail discussion forum, online chats, small group forums, Bible or book study groups and an annual retreat.     
  

VIDEOS THAT CAN HELP 

Laurie S. Moison (Hall) has written for newspapers in Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, and Washington, D. C. Author of four books, including "An Affair of the Mind," she has lectured nationally on sexuality, forgiveness, ethics and spirituality. She can be reached at lhall@together.net.