Husband Caught Paying for Sex?

    Although New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s administration did not survive the allegations that he spent time with a prostitute, experts in the field of marital therapy believe that it does not have to mean the end of his marriage.            

Spitzer came under fire Monday when prosecutors released affidavits, as part of a federal investigation into a high-cost prostitution ring, that placed Spitzer in a Washington, D.C., hotel room with a 22-year-old prostitute named “Kristen” for a two and a half-hour rendezvous. Spitzer publicly apologized for a “personal indiscretion,” but he did not elaborate. He has not been charged with any crime. 

With his wife standing by looking drawn and pale Wednesday, he resigned his position as governor. “In the past 20 days, I have begun to atone for my private failings with my wife, Silda, my children, and my entire family. The remorse I feel will always be with me,” Spitzer said at a press conference, resigning from public office. “Words cannot describe how grateful I am for the love and compassion they have shown me.” He is being replaced by Lt. Gov. David Paterson, who will take over the state after the scandal.

This is the kind of situation that happens to people in power, said Robert Burns, Ph.D , chair of the department of Pastoral Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy at Iona College in New Rochelle, N.Y. “You might see this in power circles, when people have the means, when people have the money,” said Burns, who is also a licensed marriage and family therapist.  “They may think they are buying silence and privacy, but these things always blow up because you are in the public light.”            

Burns calls prostitution a less-traditional form of infidelity, with more dimensions than a typical affair. That money was involved makes the situation seem more sordid, he said. “There may be more shock, more anger that the person has resorted to this,” Burns said. “There are always the questions ‘Why? What was wrong with me? I didn’t measure up?’ I think the response is going to be an individual one, as it always is.”   

Burns doesn't necessarily believe situations like the one facing the Spitzers always end in divorce. The two factors in determining when healing begins is the extent and duration of the unfaithfulness, he said. “I think any kind of infidelity challenges the relationship, challenges both parties, but it doesn’t necessarily need to lead to a break up,”  Burns said. “There is going to be an awful lot of hurt, an awful lot of confusion.” Professional help could heal the rift in the relationship and strengthen the partners as well as their marriage, he said. 


EGO GRATIFICATION FOR MEN

The kind of man who engages a prostitute is unpredictable, said Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., board certified sex therapist, licensed mental health counselor, and licensed marriage and family therapist. “Some of these men have been very nice men, they have been good husbands and good fathers. The next thing she finds out, it’s not only that he went to a prostitute; it’s that he spent all that money on the prostitute. It’s devastating to the woman.”             

The sex business, she said, gratifies a man’s ego and then takes his money. And television, movies and the Internet encourage it, she said. “It’s pushed on people, and it's big business,” Lee said. “The whole environment, they are building up these egos so they can make money.” The only way a marriage can survive, she said, is therapy. The most successful clients are those in which both parties take responsibility for the transgressions, she said.