Her Mentor Center: Is My Husband Cheating?

Q: My parents separated when my mom found out that my dad was having an affair. I was just 14 and she told me much more than I needed to know. I've been married for a year now and I'm already wondering if my husband is cheating on me. How do I separate my parents' divorce from what's going on now?  

A: It is not uncommon for ghosts of the past to contaminate the present. So it's a positive step that you're taking – that is, trying to fully understand your marriage in the context of your earlier family experiences.  

Infidelity is one of many factors that can affect a marriage. Consider why you are questioning whether your husband is faithful. Has he suddenly become emotionally distant, is he staying late at work or does he seem preoccupied at home? Perhaps you have caught him in lies and you wonder if you can really trust him.   

If you are suspicious of your husband's behavior, you may have already checked the phone bill, searched his belongings or gone through the email messages. But it's just as important to look within. Ask yourself if your deep feelings for him have changed and, if so, why? Is there something happening in your personal life that is causing you to feel guilty, distant or unlovable? These are difficult questions to look at head on, but necessary if you are to get to the bottom of your concerns.  

Young girls who grow up with an adulterous father often develop trust issues with men. And being aware and reminded of a father's infidelity can seriously threaten your sense of self. When you were going through the trauma of the divorce you may have blamed yourself, thinking that if only you had been more cooperative or intelligent your father would not have left. These kinds of emotional uncertainty can have a ripple effect and lead to doubts about your self worth.  

Adolescence is a difficult period under the best of circumstances, and how you felt about your parents' divorce likely compounded your experience. As a young teenager, perhaps you defended against the chaos by developing attitudes and behaviors detrimental to your marriage now. Do you have some perfectionist tendencies that make you anxious when you don't have complete control over a situation? Or was the relationship with your father strained and now your unresolved anger toward him is manifesting with your husband? Feelings of abandonment in the past can be the source of insecurity in the present – and the result can be suspicions, accusations and arguments.

As you can see, there are a lot of problems that might have originated when you were a child of divorce that could be surfacing and impacting your marriage today. A process of self-analysis, whether with a therapist or life coach, would be a good place to begin a filtering out process.  

You will learn more about the deep emotional effects your parents' divorce had on you. As you begin to feel safe and more trusting within the therapeutic relationship - and from this new vantage point - you may decide to meet with your father or mother and confront some underlying issues. Or perhaps you'll schedule conjoint sessions with your husband in order to explore and resolve the concerns regarding your own marriage. Some of the damage, both from the past and in the present, can be repaired through counseling. And you deserve this opportunity for greater clarity and peace of mind, whatever the outcome.  

Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.