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Faith Therapy: Spying on Your Spouse


Faith Therapy: Spying on Your Spouse


I Thought My Wife Was Having an Affair Again so I Taped Her Conversations...


By DR. PAMELA THOMPSON

Q: I believe my wife is having another affair as she did four years ago. I recorded her conversations unbeknownst to her, and I’ve accused her of being unfaithful. She denies having an affair but says she wants a divorce because she feels uncomfortable in her own home. Was I wrong to want to search out the truth given her unfaithfulness in the past? 

A: Though I am unclear about what you actually discovered, it appears the marriage never healed from the first affair. If you felt a need to spy on her, the problem of distrust was already quite pronounced, perhaps justifiably, which speaks to a larger issue in the marriage than the actual recordings themselves. Intensive counseling following the affair would have been the best course for rebuilding trust rather than surveillance. Following an affair, a few things are essential for repair: 


1. Remorse within the unfaithful that fuels a desire to make room for the spouse’s pain without quick-tempered responses as well as a desire to work on making things right; 
2. Willing implementation of new rules regarding accountability of whereabouts and interactions with the opposite sex; and 
3. Active pursuit of resources, services and support systems to safeguard the marriage from another affair. 

Surveillance may provide short-term answers but will do nothing to actually rebuild trust, which is the ultimate goal. Your intention was valid, but the strategy was misguided. 



Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy.




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