Sex and Sangria: Outside Attractions

    Anyone who has ever found themselves charmed by an attractive stranger (even while still madly in love with their partner) knows that monogamy is a choice. In fact, that is one of the things that makes it so special, you are choosing to stay true to the one you love, despite the temptation of another and, if you are like most living, breathing, sexual men and women, there will be temptation.  

The idea that loving another shuts down the attraction plants inside our bodies is romantic in theory but, like so many other ideas we have about love, it doesn't happen here in the real world. Still, there is a big difference between finding yourself flattered by a cute strangers wink and asking for their phone number. So, what are some things couples can do to ensure both are on the same page, feel safe expressing their concerns and possibly even their attraction to a third party?  

1. Don't Personalize it: 
Whether it is a movie star or co-worker, attraction is a normal part of life and it's not something that just dies down once we say "I do." Don't assume your spouse's attraction means they love you less or that they find you less attractive.   

2. Try and Avoid Situations That Will Likely Tempt You:
If you're trying to lose weight, walking into a pastry shop isn't the best idea. Sure, you could ultimately say no but why set yourself up for that kind of temptation in the first place? Clubs, bars and business trips at chic hotels in sexy cities are a haven for sexual misconduct as are bachelor parties, strip clubs and late night gatherings where alcohol and/or drugs are present. Why put yourself in a position where you are going to be tempted beyond your control? If you want to go or have to go to an erotically-charged locale (you can't exactly tell your boss no) take your spouse along or make a commitment to them to call and check in every few hours. Taking time to genuinely connect with your partner not only humanizes them but reminds you of the bond and love you share with your spouse.  Avoid drinking excessively or participating in other behaviors that will impact your ability to make good decisions.  

3. Set Guidelines:
What is cheating for some is safe for others so sit down and have a very clear discussion about what is appropriate and what isn't. For example: Are chats online OK? Kissing but no sex? Close friendships with men and women you are attracted to?  

4. Accept Your Attraction: 
Being attracted to someone else doesn't make you a bad person, it is what you do with that attraction that shows your character. There are some men and women who are flirted with by attractive people who take that energy home to their spouse and others who simply take it as a reminder of their own attractiveness and charm. You don't have to bed every person who bats an eye at you and, if you do, you don't need sex with someone new, you need therapy. 

5. Think of What Attracts You: 
Is it their level of interest in you? Their knowledge of your career? Affairs are often less about the betrayed spouse and more about what is lacking in the cheater so take a good look at what you are getting from the third party that you feel you are in need of.  If you want something "fresh and new" or would like to feel interesting and flirty again, why not infuse this energy into your marriage? Initiate a flirty text session with your spouse? Ask them to get dressed up, hire a sitter and go out for cocktails in a sexy lounge. Seduce your spouse instead of allowing yourself to be seduced by someone you're likely projecting all kinds of images on.  

6. Work as a Team:
Instead of shaming your spouse for his or her attraction or assuming what they do not know won't hurt them (or you) sit down and talk about ways you can approach the situation together and what you can do to diffuse the situation. For example, if a woman is attracted to a co-worker she can invite her husband along on business trips or out to dinner or drinks after work with the man as a way to introduce her spouse into the mix. Understand The Appeal Of "Forbidden Fruit" It's human nature to want what we are told we cannot have even if the fruit is less appealing than what we have at home. This can be seen in our consumerism and our relationships. We want to prove to ourselves and the world that the rules don't apply to us and that we can get whatever we deem to be "exclusive" because we are special and entitled. Instead of seeing a third party as someone you cannot have, remember that you are a free human being with free will who has made a choice to be in a relationship with someone and has chosen not to have it because they are worthy of your fidelity, honesty and respect. 

7. Have The Proper Social Support: 
If all of your friends are single and on the prowl, you're likely going to feel like the odd one out. That doesn't mean you should drop all of your friends without a wedding band but do cultivate relationships with those who not only understand the bond of marriage but support and respect yours.  

8. Bring Your Spouse Into The Mix: 
Do all that you can to avoid private meetings with the third party or social occasions where alcohol is present. Instead, invite a colleague along for lunches and coffee breaks and invite your spouse out to all open work events such as happy hours and holiday parties. Introduce your mate to the third party and, if they are attached, make it a point to get to know their mate as well.

Brenda Della Casa is the internationally published author of Cinderella Was a Liar (www.cinderellawasaliar.com) and has interviewed thousands of men and women on the topic of sex and love for her book, articles and a variety of relationship shows for which she helped cast.  Her site, Walking Barefoot, can be seen at www.strollwithoutshoes.com and the Cinderella blog can be seen at www.cinderellawasaliar.org