Married and Coming Out

THE SEVEN STAGES

Stage 1: Disorientation, disbelief, denial — and often relief. 
Says Buxton: “Straight spouses ask themselves, ‘Was it me? Was I not woman, or man, enough for him or her? What about my own sexuality?’ Not only do you feel betrayed but you start to doubt your own judgment. ‘What is right or wrong, true or false? Was there anything good about this marriage?’ And perhaps: ‘I’ve always felt something was wrong, and this proves it.’”  

Stage 2: Facing the reality of the partner's sexual orientation (or gender identity), the spouses' own pain and changes in their life because of it.    
“The news is devastating. Your feelings of pain can last for weeks,” says Buxton. “The straight spouse thinks: ‘He’s doing this to me. I’ve been shortchanged, sexually, and I had nothing to do with it.’ One wife told me she just curled up into the fetal position and didn’t move for three days.”  

Stage 3: Accepting present reality and realizing the irreversibility of the new aspects of the partner, even if the marriage might continue.  
“Coming out to themselves is the first step. Coming out to their spouse is the next big leap — with its own scary consequences. They risk rejection with the person who loves them, with whom they’ve built their lives around,” explains Buxton. “Now, having confessed their true feelings, gay spouses feel liberated. They feel free to live the life they truly want. They are like teens let loose in a candy shop. Some can’t even understand why their spouses are upset.”  

Stage 4: Letting go of past assumptions about themselves, their marriage and their partner.    
“Because straight spouses feel they are living a nightmare, it takes them a while to look and accept the fact that this is happening,” explains Buxton. “They think: ‘Who do I talk to?’  They are angry that they’ve been put in this situation.”  

Stage 5: Healing their own identity and integrity including self worth and value system.   
“Straight spouses feel as if their values — their assumptions about gender, marriage, their own futures — have been smashed to pieces. They question their own moral integrity,” explains Buxton. “And while a number of gay spouses are supportive and look for a way to help their straight spouses process this news, others may be cruel because, emotionally, they’ve moved on.” When the gay spouse wants to keep the revelation private, the straight spouse may feel guilty and ashamed for playing along, says Buxton.  “Maybe the gay spouse wants to keep it quiet because of his job, or perhaps because of his status in community. If that’s the case, then he’s asking someone to go into the closet with him. The straight spouse is living someone else’s lie. She is complicit in it, and doesn’t like it.”  

Stage 6: Reconfiguring and refocusing themselves to view their situation in perspective and formulate a belief system with meaning and purpose.
“By this time, the straight spouse wants to tell someone, receive empathy or advice. But many friends, and family don’t understand. Frustratingly, their only reaction might well be, ‘Why didn’t you know?’ or ‘Why don’t you leave him?’”  

Stage 7: Transforming their lives based on their reconfigured worldview.  
Buxton counsels straight spouses to take their time before making any decisions. “Clarify what you want, need, and value. Be clear about yourself, and ask your spouse to do the same. Believe it or not, it may take a year or two to think through your options. In the long run, you have to do what is right for you.”


MOVING ON WITH LIFE

Randy Spires agrees. “When I married, my number one goal was to make her as happy as she could be. I realized if I was the cause for her unhappiness, there was nothing more that I could do but support her and let her move on. For me, the turning point, came when I could look myself in the mirror and announce: ‘I did everything I could to hold this marriage together.’”  

Today Spires is still single, but he is in a committed relationship — with a woman whose ex-husband also came out of the closet. In fact, he met her at one of the many Straight Spouse Network gatherings that take place around the country. Says Spires: “Because we have both gone through this experience, there was already a strong basis of empathy, understanding, and trust.”  

Will there come a time in which Spires feels comfortable enough to make the relationship permanent? “It is difficult, because I still suffer from trust issues,” explains Spires. “It’s unfair for both parties to commit when either of us is still facing those dragons.”  

The healing doesn’t happen over night, says Buxton. But the goal is to move beyond the hurt. If the straight spouse can’t accomplish this, either emotionally or physically, he or she becomes bitter and vengeful. While the gay spouse is now out of the closet, the straight spouse has elected to take his place within it. “To live the life he wants, he must now lie. Is that the kind of relationship you want? A life with accusations, and distrust controlling you?”

Explains Spires, “If you continue to ask what if, or why, you cannot move forward yourself. This can only happen when you can actually say, ‘I forgive you.’ Through that forgiveness, you yourself are set free.”  


TO READ MORE

Click here to read expert advice on how to tell your children you have a same-sex partner.

Josie Brown's articles have appeared in Redbook, AOL's Women Channel, Yahoo.com's Personals Channel and more. She is also the relationship editor at singlemindedwomen.com, and the editor of John Gray's internationally syndicated question-and-answer columns; and co-author, along with her husband, Martin, of "Marriage Confidential: 102 Honest Answers to the Questions Every Husband Wants to Ask, and Every Wife Needs to Know." She can be reached at josiebrownauthor@gmail.com.