Her Mentor Center: Marriage and Intimacy Issues

Q:  My wife and I had our second baby eight months ago and I'm afraid things will never be the same again. When we are together, everything revolves around the baby and our older son. I thought it would be different by now but she is always too tired for sex and doesn't seem to be that interested in me at all. Is this a sign that I should get out now? I think I deserve more than this in a marriage.  

A: Parenthood changes a marriage, especially how much time and energy parents have to spend with each other. Undoubtedly, you are feeling the effects of this recent change in your family and want to get back to the way things were when you were first married. Instead, you need to focus on how you, your wife and your relationship can grow as you mature into caring partners and parents.   

Have a frank talk with your wife about what you need from the marriage and ask her about her concerns. Many couples find this safer to do with the help of a third party, so couples therapy may be a good first step for you. In that safe environment, both of you will have the opportunity to express yourselves with a professional who will serve as a sounding board. And the therapist will model new communication techniques and ways of relating to each other.  

Sex counseling can also be beneficial in helping to identify physical intimacy issues that may need attention. Sometimes men and women alter the way they view each other as sexual beings after the birth of a child. You can discuss changes in your perceptions and expectations of each other as well as explore innovative ways of pleasuring each other with a trained sex therapist.   

Even though you are both are now very busy, will you and your wife commit to making time for your relationship? Without enjoying each other, you won't have the kind of family life you both deserve. Some couples find that scheduling a date night once a week helps keep the spark in their marriage. If you think this idea would work for you, hire a sitter you trust and go out for an early dinner, before you get too tired to appreciate each other. Other couples are able to get away overnight occasionally, which allows for an even greater sense of intimacy.  

On a practical note, if your wife seems exhausted and distracted when she's with you, take over some of the chores, either with the children or in the house. Plan to do the laundry, make dinner, or give the children their baths. She may be more attentive to you when she has fewer responsibilities. Your willingness to be helpful will engender a more positive and affectionate mood that will likely spill over into feelings of warmth for you. With the children as the focus of your attention so much of the time, becoming affectionate with each other can lead to more physical intimacy.  

At this point in your child-rearing history, it may be hard to see beyond the day-to-day stresses in your family life. In the long run, your marriage can be strengthened by how you address these tensions and complaints, and by what you learn about each other in the process.     

Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.