Video Games Causing Divorce

Maressa Hecht Orzack, Ph.D., a Harvard researcher and the Director of Computer Addiction Study Center at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts, agrees with Brody and counsels strongly for a true assessment of what may be going on in the gamer’s life that has him –- or her -– living in a virtual Utopia. “The first step is always a clinical evaluation, to determine if and why the gamer may be depressed, or feels left out. The answer could be Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, or perhaps memories of a bad situation. And if so, we have a clue as to why the gamer loses him or herself in video games.”  

Such an assessment could bring one, or several prognoses, explains Orzack, including anxiety, attention deficit disorder or obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Talk therapy is an important component to the evaluation, too, says Orzack. “I’d ask, ‘What is going on in your life?’ and ‘Are your anxious, or sad?’ The answers range from  ‘I don’t have enough money to do the things I want to do’ to ‘I don’t feel in control.’”  

According to Orzack, the question that brings them to life is this one: What do you expect to find when you turn on the computer? “By playing these games, they get a sense of belonging, explains Orzack. “They are ‘present’ in the situation, in this virtual world. When they are part of a virtual world ‘guild,’ they feel as if they belong to something. They go on a ‘quest’ — or mission — and participate in ‘raids,’ which are scheduled for certain times of the day. The more you stay on, the more points you get. It’s a ratioed response. They up the bar. The games are constructed to keep players tantalized. The husband misses out on real life events, because his schedule revolves around the gaming.”  

And when his virtual world is more important than his real one, divorce is all but inevitable. “You’re not happy with your own life if you’re looking to put on a different personality,” says psychologist Shannon Myers, of San Rafael, California. “Creating a different reality is a short-term fix to the unhappiness in your life. Gaming is not always something you want to — or can do — with your partner. If he or she is doing this in lieu of talking, then you’re not working through your issues together.”  

The first step, explains Myers, is to tell him how you feel it is affecting your view of the relationship. “He gets really engrossed with his gaming. Time passes, he’s not aware that his spouse is waiting for him, that it’s affecting her feelings of intimacy. He needs to hear all that from her. The earlier these concerns are identified, the sooner they can begin to head down a different path.”    

If he agrees that gaming is getting in the way, then together the couple should work out a schedule as to when it’s appropriate. Says Myers: “Brainstorm things you can do together, that you both enjoy. He doesn’t have to stop playing entirely. He just has to put it into perspective with the rest of his life.”  

Of course, there has to be a readiness on the part of the gamer to change, explains Orzack. “They must learn to be in control of their own behavior. The rewards are out there, waiting for them: their job, their family. It is within their ability to change, if they want to do so.”  


10 SIGNS THAT MARRIAGE TO A GAMER IS TROUBLED

1. He would rather play video games than attend to his relationship with you, his health, and his job.
2. He’d rather play than sleep — let alone have sex, or even a conversation with you.
3. He refuses to discuss his moods and feelings.
4. He refuses to admit he has a problem.
5. He refuses to limit his playing time.
6. He forgets his commitments to things that take him away from the game.
7. He consistently breaks promises he’s made to spend more time with you and the life you share — and less in his Second Life.
8. He lashes out at you for “not understanding,” no matter how you approach the topic of his gaming compulsion.
9. He won’t consider joint counseling to discuss his issues, and others affecting your marriage.
10. He won’t consider therapy to control his gaming compulsion.  

Josie Brown's articles have appeared in Redbook, AOL's Women Channel, Yahoo.com's Personals Channel and more. She is also the relationship editor at singlemindedwomen.com, and the editor of John Gray's internationally syndicated question-and-answer columns; and co-author, along with her husband, Martin, of "Marriage Confidential: 102 Honest Answers to the Questions Every Husband Wants to Ask, and Every Wife Needs to Know." She can be reached at josiebrownauthor@gmail.com.