What's the Last Straw?

    There are a variety of reasons for ending a marriage, but some experts said one reason is usually at play: conflicts over what they want from their relationship.       
                 
When women choose to divorce, they are taking a leap of faith that they can build a better life for themselves or their families alone, said Susan Shapiro Barash, the author of nine books that explore women’s issues.                        

“They are taking a big risk,” Barash said. “They are shaking up the family, putting their children in much less than optimal situations. They are doing it because they think they can make a better life for themselves.” Barash has interviewed thousands of women to explore the personal issues that guide them for books such as A Passion for more:  Wives reveal the affairs that make or break their marriages and Women of Divorce:  Mothers, Daughters, Stepmothers.  Barash also teaches about gender issues at Sarah Lawrence College in New York.           

She said they women with whom she has spoken tend to be disappointed in what their marriages are offering in their lives, and they are willing to find their way without a husband. “Women are very disappointed in marriages,” Barash said. “Romantic love is at a premium.”              

   
UNMET EXPECTATIONS     
                         
The reason for many divorces is a sense of expectations not being met for one or both of the spouses, said Lynn Jarrett, a licensed clinical professional counselor who has been a relationship expert for 18 years. “They have expectations that aren’t even discussed until they are married,” said Jarrett, who is also the founder of Forte Enterprises.              

Included under the umbrella of unmet expectations are a variety of issues, Jarrett said, including emotional needs, sexual desires or financial issues. In her experience, financial issues have been at the forefront of many failed marriages. “They have very different ideas,” Jarrett said. “They are entering into marriage with debt. They don’t have good money management skills.”                   

She and her husband mentor newlywed couples in an effort to help them begin their marriages on solid footing. She said she has seen that the first few incidences in which one spouse is disappointed in the other can cause a fissure in the relationship that continues to erode if it is not discussed. “There’s this great divide that comes pretty quickly at the first hurt or sense of betrayal,” Jarrett said.                

And if it is left untended, it will get worse, she said. “A lot of hurt, rejection, sadness, anger, frustration,” Jarrett said. “There isn’t a lot of trying to understand each other’s personality differences.”