Fighting over Money?

    If you’re like most people, you probably had a fight with your partner about money this week. Whether it’s arguing about who should pay the electric bill or disagreeing about how much money to spend on a vacation, money is the issue that couples fight about most frequently. 

“Many couples tend to argue about money. It's quite common,” says Rachel Sussman, a New York-based marriage and family therapist. “It's also common for a spender to marry a saver – after all, opposites attract. Originally they may have respected the quality that the other had, but often, over time, they become adversarial about it.”

While financial disputes may seem inconsequential in the beginning of a relationship, they often have disastrous effects over time. A recent GfK Roper poll, commissioned for Divorce360.com, showed finances as one of the top reasons for divorce. As problems continue to arise, people begin to lie to their partners about how much they are spending, which leads to “mistrust and poor communication,” according to Sheryl Ziegler, founder and managing director of The Child & Family Therapy Center in Denver, Colo. 

People may even question their commitment and begin to wonder if their partners have the same goals and plans for the future. Fortunately, people with different attitudes toward money can learn to work together. Read on for tips on how to solve your financial problems as a couple.

Step One: Create a budget.
Sitting down with your partner over a pile of bills may not be pleasant, but it’s a necessary first step to keeping your relationship intact. CPA Susan Carlisle, who specializes in working with couples contemplating divorce, suggests reviewing your checkbook and credit card bills to determine areas where you can cut back on discretionary spending. Depending on your income and expenses, you may need to set a weekly budget and mutually agree to check purchases over a certain amount, suggests Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage."

Step Two: Seek outside help.
If you think trying to create a budget will only lead to more arguments, consider recruiting a professional to help moderate the difficult discussion. A family therapist, accountant or financial advisor can act as an impartial mediator. Instead of thinking of the budget as a battle to be won, says Sussman, recognize that “the solution is to reach a compromise where both partners have to rethink their behavior.”

Step Three: Enforce the agreement.
To make the budget stick, both of you must be willing to make sacrifices. The person who spends more in the relationship may need to cut back, while the saver may have to be okay with spending more, according to Sussman. Reflecting on what motivates you to spend or save is a good way to become more self aware and to begin to accept the need for change. A common goal can also help you learn to work together. "If you can agree on a splurge category – like a vacation – that's actually an incentive," says Carlisle.    

Step Four: Recognize each other’s strengths.
Sometimes there’s a reason why opposites attract! “Savers aren't necessarily Scrooge, and spenders aren't necessarily out of control,” says Tessina. “Actually, these two can really complement each other, with the saver helping the couple create a financially sound future, and the spender helping them enjoy the present, and make the most of their spending dollars.”

Step Five: Maintain financial equality.
When one partner earns more than the other, it’s often difficult to allocate bills and expenses. In order to keep the lower earner from feeling like he or she has no financial authority, “both parties should be made aware of the couple's financial assets and debts," says Carlisle. “There are several ways to do this, depending on the personalities involved,” says Tessina. You could decide to have partners contribute on a percentage basis, with the higher earner contributing an equally higher percentage or his or her income to the bills. Another solution is to have the lower earner provide non-monetary contributions to the relationship. “One partner can compensate for earning less by taking on more domestic responsibility -- this is how a family with children often works, where the homemaking parent (not always the mom these days) often earns less, but does more [housework] and childcare.”

Step Six: Finally, remember to protect yourself. 
Unfortunately, not all couples are able to resolve their financial differences. According to Sussman, if a couple can't reach an agreement and one or both members are too stuck in their behavior, they may end up getting a divorce. For that reason, it’s important to maintain a balance between financial unity and independence during your marriage. Having separate checking accounts and a joint account for household bills is often a good way to achieve this. “As long as no one is overdrawing an account or a credit card, and bill paying and savings are covered by the joint account,” says Tessina, you shouldn’t have to be “concerned about who spends more on clothes [and who spends more] on meals out.”


Kathryn Kohl is a freelance writer from New York City. She has written for print and online publications about topics ranging from farmers’ markets to fashion.