Talking Helps Marriage

4. Avoid making your partner feel invisible.                
From her perch as a family therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, Elana Katz has seen many marriages dissolve.  When one spouse feels “invisible,” it often leads to a communication breakdown and is one of the leading causes of divorce.  Feeling denied, not listened to and overlooked are the major feelings that contribute to relationships disintegrating.  Hence, you need to make your spouse a priority and communication between you critical, the opposite of making him or her feel invisible.   

5. Concentrate on repairing.                
Conflict is inevitable. Couples that survive hard times show an ability to repair the relationship, Katz says. Disagreements are going to happen, but the couples who can talk things out, listen to each other, make fixing the problem a priority and don’t abuse one another can last.  

6. When in doubt, seek help.                
If your car doesn’t start, you take it to a mechanic. If your gums are in pain, you call the dentist. But when a marriage turns sour, many people dig in, fall into the same trap, and are reluctant to seek help. Marital therapists can help unravel a couple’s problems and get them to reframe and readjust how they communicate.  

7. Avoid the "dumping everything on your partner" syndrome.                
Avoid what Elana Katz calls the “kitchen sink” approach. Throwing the “kitchen sink” at one’s partner involves bringing up every injustice, infraction and slight the partner has inflicted on the other partner last year, two years ago and on the first date, and it’s a no-no. Instead of raising every past indiscretion, focus on specific and recent behavior that can be problem-solved, not injustices that happened a decade ago and are long forgotten.   

8. Learn to avoid pushing the buttons.            
Most couples inevitably push each other’s buttons. When the wife criticizes her husband’s housekeeping, it reminds him of his mother’s criticism. When the husband raises his voice and begins to get agitated, the wife is reminded of her father’s irascibility and gets bent out of shape. Eldridge advises that couples must be conscious of what the buttons are and try to avoid them.  

If the wife is upset by her husband’s getting angry, the husband should consciously speak in a slow, measured tone so she can listen. If the husband is reminded of his critical mom, the wife should withhold some of her criticism of her husband’s housekeeping and choose her battles selectively. 

Eldridge says research has shown that the negative behaviors that most contribute to divorce include withdrawal, contempt and invalidation of the other person. If you are acting in a contemptuous, sarcastic, or belittling manner toward your mate, you are falling into the traps that lead to divorce.  Instead, Eldridge advises communication that stresses understanding, appreciation and empathy.  


RESOURCES:
 
1. Elana Katz recommends the Web site of The American Family Therapy Academy  (www.afta.org), which is a membership organization of experienced marital therapists, who are specialists and not therapists who do marriage therapy on the side.  If you go to the site, click membership directory and put in your state and it will offer recommendations.  

2. Heard on 250 radio stations nationwide, “The Dr. Laura Show,” led by martial therapist Laura Schlessinger (www.drlaura.com), can spark conversations about marriage. One caveat:  she’s very opinionated, is known for cutting off her listeners’ questions, and can be helpful or dogmatic. Critics also say she spends too much time promoting her books, cruises and appearances.  

3. There is a bevy of books published on marital communication but many seem formulaic. Emerson Eggerich’s "Cracking the Communication Code: The Secret to Speaking Your Mate’s Language" offers specific suggestions.    

Gary M. Stern has interviewed marital therapists, CEO’s, stars, entrepreneurs and everyday working people. He co-authored "Minority Rules: Turn Your Ethnicity into a Competitive Edge (Harper Collins 2006)," a how-to business book aimed at helping minorities and women climb the corporate ladder.