Talking Helps Marriage

    In political elections, it’s often the economy that determines winners and losers.  In marriages, it’s the communication that often determines whether marriages succeed or fail.  But communication is a vague and nebulous word. What are the most important types of communication that sustain long-lasting marriages?                   

In Michele Weiner Davis’ much-respected book, "The Sex-Starved Marriage (Simon & Schuster, 2004)."  she says, “Couples who rise above their differences have better communication skills.  They learn how to deal with their diversities.  They talk better.”  She adds, “If you want to feel more connected, it’s essential that you learn better ways to communicate your thoughts and feelings to each other.”  Here are seven communication tips from leading marital experts to keep marriages alive and well:     

1.  Focus on listening.     
“The best type of communication involves mutual respect, validation of feelings, active listening and a willingness to compromise and negotiate,” explains Kathleen Eldridge, an assistant professor of psychology at Pepperdine University in Malibu, Calif., who has studied marital communication. Studies have shown that couples that provide support for each other around personal concerns such as work and friendship last, she noted.  

2. Communicate without pressure.                
When both spouses are working and financial pressures have intensified, couples find it difficult to find time to talk issues out. Eldridge’s tip: arrange uninterrupted time devoted to expressing feelings and problem-solving any issues between you. Trying to resolve these issues when you’re under severe pressure or in the heat of an argument is rarely effective.  

3. Show caring and concern.                
What’s critical in sustaining positive communication is being understood and cared for, notes Elana Katz, a family therapist and divorce mediator at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, located in New York City. Hence, showing empathy is a way to reduce conflict.   

For example, if the couple has agreed to go on a special weekend vacation together while the kids are staying with their grandparents, but a spouse has to cancel due to a work emergency, the spouse needs to say, “I know how important this weekend was to you.  I have no choice but to work this weekend. We will reschedule, and I will make it up to you.” 

Communicating with empathy and caring strengthens the relationship and enables it to withstand conflict such as a weekend together that had to be cancelled.