Faith Therapy: Forcing a Spouse to Talk

If he feels something is best for me, then it must be regardless of my own thoughts about my needs. My marriage sucks, and I want to just run away and not look back, but I do feel this dutiful obligation to my husband.

Is divorce inevitable? Right now I feel destined to live in misery.                

A: Wow! I empathize with you first of all. I feel your pain loud and clear. It appears that either your husband is naïve, or has a thick skull, or is unusually stubborn, or has a self-centered way of approaching your needs.

In any case, the end-result of feeling misunderstood and I imagine dismissed is the same for you, and judging him harshly will likely be unhelpful.  He probably has good intentions of connecting with you, or comforting you in some way, but his methodology is flawed. With only two years of marriage under your belt, it is often the case that spouses do not "get each other."

Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone though it may often feel that way. Quite frankly, many people may still live as single people long after marriage. The reality of coming out of your comfort zone and making decisions with someone else's interest in mind does not kick in just because you have had a ceremony. Before you guys do irreparable damage, I recommend you get in couple's therapy right away and do some reading to help educate you on this thing called marriage.

I suggest "Boundaries in Marriage" by Townsend and Cloud and :For Men Only and For Women Only" by Feldhan. Consider reading the books together as a demonstration of joint effort and a desire to pursue mutual understanding.      

Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy.