Everyone Wins Mediation: Are You the Strong, Silent Type?

    Women complain they can’t get men to talk. When time comes for intimate  conversation, guys clam up, offer a few, indecipherable grunts and expect women to magically understand what’s going on. The number one complaint women have in relationships is, “I don’t know what he’s thinking. He never tells me what is going on with him. How can I get him to open up?”

Women feel shut out, and men feel misunderstood. While the strong, silent type might be fascinating in the beginning, as the relationship goes on, he falls short. The woman finds herself unable to work through the differences and even in the best relationships, many women feel a sense of loneliness and turn to their girlfriends for intimate conversation.

However, there is something  women don’t realize. Men want to talk. Under the right conditions, they’ll talk all night long. Most men desperately need to unburden themselves and let others know what’s going on.  

Men are silenced by different factors:

• The roles they are forced to play.
• Lessons they’ve learned from their own families.
• Hurt from past relationships.

They also are silenced by prevalent myths of manhood which often contradict the reality of the lives they are living and who they really are. A common myth is that it is unmanly to talk, to open up and tell all. Men speak in code and believe that if they  have to actually ask for what they  want there is something wrong. Some believe that to be magically understood without saying a word represents being  loved.

Another myth is that men must present an invincible  image to the world. As children boys are told - "Boys don’t cry. That stuff’s for girls.”  Of course implicit in the idea is that expressing feelings represents weakness, something for girls, not boys.

In addition, withholding  communication can also represent power and control. It is as if they say, “I’m powerful, I need nothing from you.” Therefore for many men, communication represents  vulnerability and triggers the fear that they may be acting like “girls”.

A request for intimacy places them in a double bind. Part of him wants to talk, another part  wants to be seen as strong. They may fear losing themselves. Men must understand that strength comes with communication, that it takes courage to communicate their inner needs and feelings, to ask for what they want and to be empathic and listen to what the woman wants as well.    


Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.