Before Marriage, Talk about This

FINALLY THE CHILDREN       

Surprisingly, Bartlein says many couples get married without ever discussing whether they want children. “You need to discuss whether you want them and how many you want,” she advises.  Couples who disagree about this can trigger severe conflict.                  

And yet, Gale notes that he has treated several couples that initially clash about wanting to have children but gradually come around to agree. “Who we are now is not the same person we will be in a year or two,” Gale says. As long as couples are open to discussing the issue and reexamining it, a mutual decision can be agreed on.                  

In discussing children, couples also have to contend with external factors, not solely their own internal feelings. Parents are often pressuring couples, saying, “When are you going to have the baby? You’ve been married five years already.” But the decision to have a child should be determined by the couple’s readiness and needs, not based on acquiescing to family pressures.                  

Deciding to have children is only a starting point. If the couple believes in different religions, choosing which religion the child will be raised can be a contentious point. What is our philosophy of child rearing? Will we as parents raise our child strictly or permissively or combine the two? How will our child learn values?                  

When couples discuss any of the three major issues — money, sex and children — the discussion should take place in a non-pressured, supportive environment. If couples are in the midst of emotional upheaval and ready to argue and accuse, little will be heard and resolved. Gale adds that often multiple discussions over a sustained period may be necessary to reach consensus.                  

These three major issues are all interwoven. Having a satisfying sexual life can create the atmosphere to produce a child. Reaching consensus on handling money establishes the foundation to pay for raising a child. For a marriage to thrive, agreeing on money, sex and children is essential.  


FOR MORE INFORMATION:

SmartMarriages.com, run by marital therapist Diane Sollee, serves as a coalition of marital educators, offering recommendations on programs and classes and answers questions for free via Dr. Romance.

If you live near a university and are facing some marital conflict, you may want to take advantage of its marital or family therapy center. For example, doctoral students at The University of Georgia’s McPhal Family Therapy Program treat couples for a sliding fee based on income. You can find the names of other clinics on the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Web site (www.aamft.org) under Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) programs.