Fighting about Holiday Overspending?

    If you and your spouse are arguing about how much money you’re spending on holiday gifts, you’re not alone. Experts say it’s one of the main reasons couples argue during the season. And the issue can become an even bigger one if one of you is a shopaholic.

“It’s a very common issue over which a relationship breaks up,” said Dr. April Lane Benson, Ph.D., author of the newly published book, “To Buy or Not to Buy: Why We Overshop and How to Stop.” Benson, an expert in the study and treatment of compulsive buying disorder, said holidays are one of the worst times of the year for people who are addicted to shopping.  “It’s a high-risk time for many people,” she said.

Dr. Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of “Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Marriage,” agreed.  “If your spouse is a compulsive buyer, he or she is not in control of spending. Compulsive buyers buy things they don't need or even want, and often have a closet or cabinet  (or even garage) full of purchases still in packages, and clothes in the closet with the tags still on. Holidays are big trigger times for compulsive spenders.”

Benson said the combination of the holiday season and the current economic crisis may be adding to the number of Americans who are overwhelmed by credit card debt. According to a recent Stanford University study, at least 17 million Americans are overshoppers – people who are addicted to shopping. Their addiction is adding to their debt, damaged relationships and depression and anxiety.
 
A study published last month in the Journal of Consumer Research showed that about 9 percent of the American population could be classified as “compulsive shoppers.” The study, by Nancy Ridgway and Monica Kukar-Kinney, associate marketing professors at the University of Richmond, and Kent Monroe of the University of Illinois, showed that people who overshopped got positive feelings from purchasing items. Once the purchase was made, however, they often hid the items from their spouses. When the purchases were discovered, they often became the focus of arguments.
 
Ridgway said those studied usually battled poor self esteem, depression, anxiety and materialism. Often, she said, their addiction was linked to impulse control disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder.

As part of the study, Ridgway and her co-researchers have developed a new nine-question test to identify shopaholics. The test, they say, is better than the previous measurement and suggests the problem is worse than previously thought. The questions include measuring such statements as: “My closet has unopened shopping bags in it; much of my life centers around buying things; I buy things I don’t need; I buy things I didn’t plan to buy.    

One difference in this research: “We found that some people can actually afford their habit,” she said. “They know they have a problem. They know they need help.” “Those people aren’t financially bankrupt. We call them emotionally bankrupt,” she said.  

Benson, who works with overshoppers to provide tips, tools and techniques to help them overcome their addiction, said the test is a breakthrough that will help more people with the problem. She said the key for overshoppers is to find out what underlying emotional need they’re trying to fill by overshopping. “You have to find out what you’re really shopping for,” she explained. “Are you lonely? Are you sad? Are you dealing with a significant loss? Are you wanting to belong to an appearance-obsessed society? And how can you find other ways to meet those needs?”

“If you’re angry, you need to find ways to deal with anger constructively. Shopping is not a good way,” she said.

She coaches clients to find out what triggers their need to overshop, identify the consequences of their overshopping and deal with any ambivalence they may have when it comes to curbing their behavior. “You have to learn how to (shop) mindfully,” she said. “The nitty gritty of it has to do with planning your purchases.”


TIPS FOR OVERSHOPPERS DURING THE HOLIDAYS:

1. Make a list of your purchases.
Make a list of what you want to buy, so you don’t risk overbuying, Benson said. Be mindful of those purchases. If you begin to see some purchases on your list, you’re moving into dangerous territory.
 
2. Use unopened purchases as gifts.
If you are an overshopper, it’s likely you have a closet of shopping bags filled with unused things that have the tags still on them. The holidays are a time when you can use those items as gifts, instead of spending more money.