Think Your Spouse Is Controlling?

    Nancy Michaels’ husband had a pet name for her. It was four letters and started with a “c.” Even with her husband’s foul name-calling, temper tantrums and manipulating behaviors, Michaels had a hard time admitting that she was married to a control freak.    

“You know what’s funny. I honestly didn't see him as being nearly as controlling until we separated,” said the 44-year old marketing specialist, who has used her experience to start a web site for singles. “He can't seem to accept the fact that he doesn't and can't influence what I do, who I see and how I act.”    

Before her divorce several years ago, Michaels had been convinced she had it all: three children, a financially successful husband, her own booming career and an expensive home in tony Concord, Mass. It wasn’t until her husband announced that he wanted a divorce that Michaels began see the truth. It was in part thanks to a local support group, Women with Controlling Partners.    

“I totally see it now but at the time, I didn’t. I think part of it was that it looked perfect from the outside looking in. I don’t know if I was the classic example,” she said. “I lived in wealthy community; I had a gorgeous house. I didn’t realize.”   

But in reality, Michaels is the classic example of a woman who has been in a chronic, controlling relationship. “Many times the person who is being controlled doesn’t even know it. They think they are the ones doing something wrong,” said Susan J. Elliott, 51, a New York-based lawyer, certified grief counselor and founder and CEO of Getting Past Your Past Productions, LLC., and author of "Phoenix Rising: How to turn a devastating breakup into the best thing that ever happened to you."

“I see that dynamic a lot. Where the abused person is taking the blame. It gets worse as time goes on. The longer you are in it, the more it erodes your self esteem and the weaker you get. Consequently, the weaker you get, the stronger they get and their control issues come out more and more,” she said.   

And along with the control issues escalating, so too can the physicality. “It can get dangerous. When someone doesn’t respect you, then they can objectify you and do anything to you and justify it,” said Tina B. Tessina, 64, a Long Beach, Calif.-based psychotherapist and author of "The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You're Far Apart (Adams Media, April 2008)."

“There’s a difference between critical and nasty. No one likes critical and maybe it’s not pleasant but it’s not terrible or out of line on its own," said Tessina. "But when it gets nasty, when you are reduced to being a ‘bitch’ for not doing something they want you to do, then you aren’t worth anything. That’s a bad sign. When it is not about what you did but who you are. When he thinks, ‘She’s just a bitch. It doesn’t matter if I hit her.’”   

Which is exactly what happened to Michaels. The night her husband threatened to move out, there was a final altercation. “I said to him, “Why don’t you just stay and let’s talk about this?” He pushed me down and I smashed my head and my tail bone hit the floor. He had pushed me in the past. I covered up for him in the past. This time, I called 9-1-1,” Michaels said.    

But that's not how authorities saw it. “He came up with this great story about how I would never be happy and about how I eventually attacked him. And they arrested me,” she said.     

By nature, men who have controlling personalities all have similar patterns. “Literally this is about making another person crazy. It’s like they hypnotize the people around them. They mesmerize you into believing that everything they say is the truth and make you question your own instincts,” said Mary Jo Fay, 52, a self-proclaimed survivor-turned-advisor who has authored several books about narcissistic relationships including the self-published "When your Perfect Partner goes Perfectly Wrong."