O, Solo Mio: Is It A Joke Or Is It Abuse?

    It has been said that a laugh is the shortest distance between two people but anyone who has ever had to sit through an uncomfortable situation where one spouse zings another knows that when the butt of someone’s joke is their mate, it’s anything but funny.

 Making hurtful comments about your partner’s weight, social skills, lack of accomplishments or thinning hair isn’t humorous; it’s humiliating. In addition to making the conversation cringe-worthy for those witnessing the verbal attack, it can have lasting negative effects on both your mate’s self-esteem and the relationship itself.
d360: Men Can Be Abuse Victims Too.

“My fiancé is a great guy but he doesn’t hold proper table manners in the same regard as I do. I used to be embarrassed of him so I would distance myself from him by making a joke about his eating with his mouth open or how funny it was when he’d put his napkin on like a bib.  He never said anything about it but one night my friend pulled me aside and told me she didn’t want to have dinner with us anymore because she felt so bad for him every time we ate together.  I asked my fiancé if I had hurt him and he told me that he felt I was ashamed of him and announced it every chance I got.   I have never felt so bad in my life,” says Marlene*, 28, New York, NY.

While some men and women like Marlene change their behavior as soon as they become aware of the negative effects, there are other spouses who will claim an offended mate is “too sensitive” or “can’t take a joke” but the fact is, mockery, sarcasm and humiliating remarks are insensitive, abusive and not funny to most people.  These comments can destroy self-esteem and leave lasting scars long after the laughter stops or the relationship ends. “My ex-husband would always make jokes at my expense and it really made me feel I could not relax around him.  It felt like I was going to be bullied at every turn.  I once wore an outfit that revealed more than I realized and he made joke after joke and brought it to everyone’s attention.  I was humiliated and felt like I was the nerd being picked on by the popular guy in high school.  It felt horrible and I am still trying to build myself back up,” says Lissette, 28, New York, NY.
d360: Are you married to a controlling spouse?


Next page:   Five Tips for Dealing with an Unfunny Spouse