Her Mentor Center: Divorcing Abusive Spouse

Q: My husband always put me down – it was mostly verbal abuse, but sometimes physical too -- until I got up the strength to leave. I'm so glad we never had children. My lawyer is working on the divorce papers but I’m still afraid. My husband told me he would never let me go and now he's stalking me. What do I do? 

A: Congratulations on having the courage to begin the extremely difficult process of freeing yourself from a destructive marriage. You have come a long way, escaping from a man who threatens your very existence. But you are not finished protecting yourself yet. Your divorce attorney has probably already talked to you about instituting legal means in an attempt to defend yourself now and in the future. The courts can issue you a restraining order and/or a personal protection order if your ex continues to harass you. You don’t say whether you have already contacted the local woman's shelter in your community -- they can be a great resource for you as well. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE, will tell you about where to find help in your area.   

While the Department of Justice indicates that the incidence of domestic abuse has decreased in the past decade, it still is believed to affect 32 million people a year. So know that you are not alone, no matter how frightened and lonely you feel. Reach out to others who have gone through similar experiences by attending a support group for survivors of abuse. Let your friends, neighbors and colleagues at work know if you are concerned that your ex will try to track you down and intimidate or even harm you. Work out a plan to help them recognize when you are in danger and devise code words to inform them if you need immediate help. It's best not to take chances by going out alone. Try to alter your daily habits and travel routes so that you are not as easy to follow physically. And change your bank accounts, credit cards, phone numbers and email address so that your ex will not be able to track your activities electronically.  

As you learn the value of taking better care of yourself, you can begin to focus on the complex process of personal growth. Individual psychodynamic therapy will help you gain insight as you begin to regain balance and control over your own life. Emotional abuse in marriage, whether verbal, physical or both, is complicated -- and it takes time to comprehend the relationship dynamics and your own personal psychology. The etiology of the pathological relationship often stems from the couples’ early life experiences in their family of origin. Be patient and vigilant as you work through and integrate your new understanding. This will help prevent you from getting involved in dangerous relationships in the future. 

You were not to blame for creating the problems in your marriage but you do have the power to take responsibility for finding solutions. Another therapeutic option is cognitive behavioral therapy which focuses on building self-esteem and strengthening coping mechanisms. This approach can help you understand how to make changes in both the way you think about yourself and in the way you act. And the skill building techniques that you learn will give you the self-confidence that you need to move forward as you create a full and rich future for yourself. You deserve it.  

Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.