By DR. PAMELA THOMPSON
Q: My husband calls me 20-plus times a day on my job and complains bitterly if I’m unavailable to talk. He calls me insulting names and insists I’m having an affair though I’m not, and there’s no evidence to support such. His jealousy and possessiveness recently escalated to such an extent that he called my male boss to complain about his closeness to me and also mildly threatened him. I have no life outside of him and our children. My only outlet is talking to my mother, which of course he hates. I can’t continue living like this and divorce now appears inevitable. Does this seem salvageable?
A: You have described an emotionally abusive man who may escalate in his outrageous behavior, if not already, toward physically aggressing you or others. Unless your husband is willing to do the hard work of personal transformation (e.g., anger management classes through resources such as
menstoppingviolence.com, individual therapy, peer support groups, more focus on his own career growth and direction), you are left with basically three choices:
1. Live miserably and maybe dangerously with this man for the rest of your life;
2. Separate legally for a cooling off period and purposeful marital restructuring over the course of a year or more until there is demonstrated and lasting change evident in him;
3. Divorce.
Just remember one thing, that is, if “you can’t live like this” as you say, then be prepared to back up your words with action. Don’t just say these words to him and keep the status quo, which renders your words ineffective. You must mean what you say and say what you mean if you want to transform your marriage.
Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy. 
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