Was He too Good to be True and Now a Nightmare?

 
“The women (and men) in these relationships are abused. They’re upset because they’re trying to do everything to make the marriage work. They’re taking way too much responsibility in the marriage and they’re being constantly criticized. Whatever they’re doing isn’t good enough. They’re pretty broken, anxious and have a lot of self-doubt. They wonder what they’re doing wrong. What they’re doing wrong is staying there. Flee with all due deliberate speed. Get an order of protection if needed,” said Dr. Matiatos.

If you do decide to leave, you’ll be a wreck for a while but he’ll be fine. “You will grieve the relationship but the narcissist will move seamlessly into another relationship. He’s not really relating to you. He’s relating to some imaginary perfect mate he’s created in his mind. He writes the script and if someone does something that doesn’t fit, he writes her out and puts someone else in. You are banished. That’s your punishment,” said Cynthia Zayn, co-author of “Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On.” Take the punishment and be grateful you got out alive.      

DIAGNOSING NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

Dr. Sam Vaknin has expanded on the nine criteria listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for NPD. In order to be diagnosed with NPD, someone needs to exhibit five of these criteria.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion.

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions).

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply).

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment.
 
6. Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends.

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others.

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration.

9. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily.

10. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking).

12. Rages when frustrated, contradicted or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.  



FOR MORE INFORMATION

Gaslight This 1944 movie starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer does a great job of portraying how a narcissist chips away at his victim’s self confidence.  

http://www.outoftheboxx.com/index.html Mary Jo Fay, author “When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong” offers great information on recovering from relationships with difficult people.   



Laurie S. Moison (Hall) has written for newspapers in Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, and Washington, D. C. Author of four books, including "An Affair of the Mind," she has lectured nationally on sexuality, forgiveness, ethics and spirituality. She can be reached at lhall@together.net.