Was He too Good to be True and Now a Nightmare?

“The narcissist has a sense of fantastic grandiosity, brilliance, perfection and power. They lack empathy, are exploitative and compulsively seek narcissistic supply which is about getting attention, admiration, adulation...a confabulated person aimed at inspiring awe and extracting compliance and subservience from others,” said Dr. Vaknin. And if you got mixed up with a narcissist, don’t be too hard on yourself. “Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access to the record and the person can have a difficult time determining whether someone is a narcissist,” Dr. Vaknin said.   

While a narcissist can learn some skills to navigate life with less damage than others, most never will because they do not believe they have a problem. And there's no pill or therapy that can fix the problem. “I believe there is no cure for this very serious mental disorder,” said Dr. Matiatos.

LIVING WITH A NARCISSIST:

If you're living with someone who has NPD, experts say you probably have said one or more of these things during your relationship: " I’m constantly walking on eggshells. When I come home, I don’t know if Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde will greet me." Or "I’m on an emotional roller coaster. I can’t figure out what I did wrong." Or " I don’t want to rock the boat. I’m so confused. Why can’t things be the way they used to be? The problem isn't you, according to Dr. Vaknin: “To cope with a narcissist is a full-time, energy- and emotion-draining job, which reduces the persons around the narcissist to insecure, nervous wrecks."

There are a range of narcissistic reactions, styles, and personalities – from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder. Where your narcissist is on the continuum will determine what kind of relationship you have --- which will change constantly, leaving you with no emotional security. A common practice for narcissists is to isolate thier victim with comments like, “You don’t need to call your mom or your girlfriends,” or “You must not love me very much if you don’t want to spend time with me.” 

“Patients with NPD feel injured, humiliated and empty when criticized. They often react with disdain, rage, and defiance to any slight, real or imagined. To avoid such situations, some patients with NPD socially withdraw and feign false modesty and humility to mask their underlying grandiosity,” said Dr. Vaknin.
 
If you decide you’ve had enough, suddenly he’s attentive and kind again -- the charming, wonderful guy you fell for. “The one time that person senses you are about to leave, it threatens his ability to believe in himself. He needs you to validate his existence, so he will give you intermittent re-enforcement,” said Fay.

Unfortunately, the relationship will fall apart again, experts say. And when that happens, the victim wants to recapture the first three months -- which were an illusion. Eventually, the cycle of trauma can take a toll. “The manipulation that goes on leaves the victims feeling like they’re crazy. They get depressed, angry and frustrated because they’re living in emotional nightmare and they look like World War III. Who do you think the judge is going to assign the kids to?” said Fay.  

According to experts, your choices when dealing with a partner who has NPD include:
1)  Stay with things as they are. If you take this route, things will go from bad to worse to awful.
2)  Stay but establish very strong boundaries. If you take this route, know that you are alone in your relationship. 
3)  Flee.