Airing Divorce Laundry Online

ETHICS AND THE LAW   

The accessibility, immediacy and anonymity of the Internet make posting such blogs easier, but not necessarily fair or ethically or morally right, says Brenda Della Casa, a relationships expert and author of "Cinderella Was a Liar." "We live in a world that seems more and more focused on exposing oneself and innermost feelings as a way to gain whatever kind of attention or fleeting support we can," Della Casa says. "People blog and upload photos and stories on sites for many reasons, but I think the main reason is that we all want to feel our lives and feelings matter. We want to know that people are aware of what we have been through and are going through and who we are."    

Dr. Mark Goulston, a California psychiatrist who has written four books, including "The Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again ... and Stay There," says people blog about divorce for various reasons. They're angry and can't let go. They want to humiliate their ex-spouse. "They don't have anything to fall back on either in terms of competence, a good reputation, ability to attract another partner," he says. "In other words, they are unable to realize and live 'the best revenge by living well.'"    

Such behavior also may affect the way an aggrieved ex parents. "It takes away from their parenting, because it's difficult to listen with an open caring mind to kids when a part of your personality is tied up in this crazy, obsessive behavior," Goulston says.     

Using the Web to talk about your failed marriage has blurred the legal lines between free speech and violations of divorce agreements. The bottom line, one legal expert advises, if you don't want to be sued for libel, don't blog or podcast about the relationship. "I would not post such blogs or videos online," says David Hudson, of the First Amendment Center in Tallahassee, Fla.     

Still, the New York Supreme Court recently ruled that a Manhattan mother named Laurie has the right to post her podcasts on the site divorcingdaze.com, which she created with a fellow divorced friend, also named Lauri. Lauri's ex-husband sued her, claiming, in part, that her comments were derogatory, but the court said her comments were protected under the First Amendment.   

Like Mister-M, Lauri doesn't refer to her ex-husband by name in her blogs or podcasts. She simply calls him X. "The entire site is anonymous, so there was no defamation," she explains.   

The site, Lauri says, goes beyond the divorces she and her friend went through. "DivorcingDaze is our stories, our lives. It is not about X, it is about me and about the other Laurie. It is about sisterhood, motherhood, children, New York City, the silly things in life we notice.  And most of all it is about joy. And laughter.  We laugh a lot.  We find humor in life wherever we can.  I think that is very important -- laughing at yourself and the predicaments life puts you in."     

Her two daughters, she says, don't know about the site, but the divorce has been a part of their lives most of their lives because they've lived with it since they were 3 and 1, she says. "Sure, they would like to live with both mommy and daddy, but I guess they've learned very early on that they live in an imperfect world," she says.  "They know how much their father and I love them both.  We just can't love them together."    

In one podcast Lauri says the lawsuit left her broke and cost her as much as the tab to attend Columbia University. Still, she encourages other exs who've thought about blogging or podcasting about their experiences to go for it. "I would say just do it," she says. "To quote Nora Ephron, 'No matter what happens, it's all copy.'"  


FOR MORE INFORMATION

Click here to read a story about the legal issues surrounding the video by Tricia Walsh-Smith.

Click here to read a journal on the original video by Tricia Walsh-Smith.  

Click here to read a journal about whether it's proper to air your divorce problems online.

Click here to read advice and tips about what to do if your spouse threatens you.

Click here to read a series of stories on controlling spouses.



Maria Moya is an award-winning reporter who has more than 15 years of experience and has written for daily newspapers in the Southeast.