Will I ever See the Grandkids?

    Your child is getting divorced. And you're worried -- what's going to happen to your relationship with your grandchild? 

The grandparent-grandchild relationship nce is second only to that of the parent-child relationship, says Dr. Lillian Carson, a psychotherapist and nationally renowned authority on child development, parenting and grandparenting, and author of "The Essential Grandparent: A Guide to Making a Difference and The Essential Grandparent’s Guide to Divorce: Making a Difference in the Family."              

Dr. Arthur Kornhaber, a family psychiatrist, founder of the Foundation for Grandparenting and author of several books on grandparenting, including "Grandparent Power, “The Grandparent Solution”: A Book for Parents  and Grandparents/Grandchildren-The Vital Connection," describes the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren as a spiritual one that “is about giving meaning to one another in a way that busier people don’t have time for. The spiritual connection bathes both grandparent and grandchild in a sea of love, health and vitality.”              

“When parents divorce,” says Dr. Kornhaber, “it is upsetting for everyone. Being able, during this highly stressful and turbulent period, to maintain a relationship with their grandparents provides children with the continuity that is often lost in the divorce. This continuity is extremely valuable in helping children adjust to the new relationship that they have with their parents.”                

According to Patricia H. Combs, a family lawyer who advocates collaborative divorce, “In some cases, the divorce actually strengthens the relationship between the grandparents and the grandchildren because the divorce draws the custodial parent closer to his or her own parents.”              

Ironically, many divorces might not even occur if grandparents were not so willing to step in and provide both financial and practical help, thus filling in for the missing partner and making it easier for the parents to divorce, says Dr. Carson, herself the grandmother of 10.                

In addition, Combs says the parent who has custody of the grandchildren can adversely affect the grandparent-grandchild relationship by using his or her power to control access to the grandchildren. Many partners identify their “in-laws as outlaws” says Dr. Carson, and elect to cut off contact between the children and one set of grandparents, the parents of their ex-spouse. According to Dr. Kornhaber, in these situations, rather than being a source of support for their children and grandchildren, the affected grandparents often conclude that their only option is to use legal action to maintain their relationships with the grandchildren. These efforts can have mixed results, says Combs.              

All 50 states have some type of “grandparent visitation” statute. In seeking legal redress, the grandparents’ objectives are to have the court mandate that the grandparents have the right to a relationship with their grandchildren and to establish a schedule that allows the grandchildren to spend time with their grandparents. These laws vary from state to state, however, and do not automatically guarantee grandparents visitation rights.