The Parenting Coach: Dealing with a Pre-Teen

    Your divorce is final. Your life is in transition. But one thing that hasn't changed is your parental responsibilities. If you've got a pre-teen, those may take a lot of time and patience.

Your pre-teen is on the verge of becoming a full-blown teenager so part of them is hanging on to their childhood and the other part of them is being lured by the teenage world. Some of you may already be experiencing the "You know nothing, I know everything" phase. 

They are becoming more independent and some will want more independence than they're ready for.  It's important we keep in mind that we are still in charge and they aren't yet teens. There are a few things to consciously avoid.

1. Nagging about TV or computer use.
Lecturing or nagging around the amount of time your pre-teen spends in front of a monitor only creates resistance. It simply doesn't work to motivate a child to do anything.   d360 blogger POV: don't blame the child

2. Saying the things parents always say.
"When I was your age I did this or that" doesn't work. It didn't work with us and it doesn't work with them.

3. Demanding your child do or stop doing something NOW.
Demanding your child stop doing what they're doing or demanding they do something immediately doesn't result in co-operation.When we feel pushed to do something, we want to push back. That applies t oall ages. "Get off that computer right now!!!" doesn't achieve the results we're looking for.   The 7 pitfalls of single parenting

4. Ask your child to stop doing something they're watching you do.
Avoid spending long hours in front of the TV or computer yourself. We can't ask our kids to do something when we're role modeling the opposite.

5. Try to solve their problems.
Don't take ownership of your pre-teen's problems. If they choose not to do their homework or finish their school project on time, it is not your problem. Give them the opportunity to learn through consequences.

6. Keeping up with the Jones kid.
Don't feel you have to buy the latest gadget because "everyone else has one". Give your child an allowance so they can start saving for the things they want or at least pay a portion. \

7. Comparing your teen to another.
Avoid comparing your pre-teen with one who is more productive, more talented or more motivated. It only results in a child thinking:"I'll never measure up."   Do girls do better in school post divorce?


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Barbara Desmarais has a background in early childhood education, has taught a number of parenting classes and is a parenting coach. She operates theparentingcoach.com web site and can be reached at barb@theparentingcoach.com.