Stepfamily Talk: Child Clingy after Sibling Leaves

My 3-year-old daughter's behavior is interesting in that she appears excited to see the children when they come back but then is angry and mean to them. This happens when they leave as well. She has a difficult time saying good-bye and plays hard to get with the other children trying to say good-bye for the week.

Another aspect has been displayed in her clinginess to me. She has been this way since I can remember. Do you have any information on this area?

Thanks,

Sally



Dear Sally,

We had similar experiences in our family with “his, hers and ours” kids.

When our “ours” child was two or so, she cried when my son went over to his dad’s. She even grabbed his belt buckle and told him he couldn’t leave. She also yelled at my ex-husband when he came to pick my son up! She told him she didn’t want him to take her brother away. However, once my son left, my daughter was fine. She’s a well-adjusted child who loves to have so many siblings.

To help everyone cope with the many comings-and-goings, we found that it was critical to be clear about when kids would be at our house, and when kids would be at their “other” house. We have very predictable schedules, although my son’s schedule is different than my stepkids’ schedule. My daughter learned fairly quickly that she would see some of her siblings on Thursday, Friday and Saturday and that she would see my son nearly every day (at least after school). Knowing their schedules helped her adjust to the comings-and-goings.

We invited our daughter to express her feelings about my son’s leaving and didn’t try to talk her out of her feelings. It was important to simply listen. We also made it clear that she was free to call her siblings anytime.

Do any of the other children express any jealousy of your “ours” child? They may feel jealous that she gets to stay in one house. If that’s the case, she may pick up on those feelings. You say your daughter is clingy. I’m not quite sure what that means or whether it’s a function of the comings-and-goings. Is there some other kind of tension in your household that makes her clingy? (There’s generally plenty of tension is stepfamilies!)

My philosophy has always been to pay more attention (not less) to the clingy child so she feels as comfortable and confident as possible. In our book, “One Family, Two Family, New Family,” we talk about how we integrated our “ours” child into the family by preparing for her birth and having the older kids attend her birth. Without question she is the “glue” that holds our family together during hard times. I hope this is helpful.

Best,

Lisa 


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Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets.